Thank you Sinead!!
I’m no reporter. It would be difficult for me to pretend each day, I didn’t care millions of people were hurting. A great pretender, I am not. Not because I am unable to find the words. I’m just not very good at acting. The minute I speak, the expression on my face would precede me. The unbiased disposition would be pointless. No, my purpose, I believe, is to comfort those who are hurting. Show them someone cares. To Seek those who are lost and lonely, and help them find their way back to a peaceful place of rest. It’s so unfortunate this world is full of people just as I described…, lost, lonely, and hurting. There are so many silent cries for help, many of which, I too, cried myself. Like Sinead O’Connor, my own unraveling mental state, once tried to get the best of me. Fortunately, because of God’s grace, I was healed.
It started in my early thirties, right after my divorce. As the illness progressed, my only resolve was to stay as far away from my family and friends as possible. My daughter thought my behavior was because I was angry with them. But that was not the case. I was simply protecting them. Protecting me. Protecting what once was, before my demise. I loved them. Unfortunately, at the time, for me…, in my mind…, they were the reason the illness developed. Later, thanks be to the grace of God, I realized, my fight, was not against my family and friends, but against the ruler of darkness and evil. I believe it was a question my mother raised which allowed me to take back my life. She said, “doesn’t it seem a little ridiculous that your mother and father would want to harm you?” At the time though, I irrationally, rationalized this attitude, as being a ploy to coverup her true adversity towards me. But thank God, I still had my heart. It was then I realized, I had to regain control…, of my mind. When I thought of the love I felt for my own child, my heart knew the only way a parent could feel ill towards their own, was if they too, were ill. Luckily, I began to realize this, and so redirected my anger towards the basis for my confusion. I would curse him every day, silently in my head, at the top of my lungs. And then, God’s grace lifted me a third time in this journey, and placed the loving memory of my late grandmother in my heart. And I began to pray. I’d recite the 23rd Psalm, and the renowned scripture, “No weapon formed against me shall prosper”, every moment I felt darkness attack my being. My biggest fear was being found out by the authorities, and having my daughter taken away from me. So, every day, I prayed for strength. And I pretended!! Mostly when at work. At home, I behaved as sanely as possible for the sake of my daughter. But, “Hmmm!”, I guess I can pretend. I appeared as sane as the next person. No one ever knew, or at least ever revealed to me, they knew. Which just goes to show, we all can rise to the occasion, with God’s grace.….
Hearing Sinead’s cries brought back memories. I told myself back then, after being healed, I would go out to the institutions and comfort those who were alone. I would guide them to a happy place. I would help them find the strength, as I had, to regain their life through God’s mercy and grace. And with those two gifts, they would then be free, and know they were not alone.
God uses us for the good of his kingdom. I used to go through tribulations asking why… but not anymore. Just as a thief would justify taking my last dollar to feed his family, God justified sacrificing my life to help others. For all he has done for me, I am honored. I see now, how he has used me so many times. And it’s good. Just as he made heaven and earth. It is good. He used me, to help someone else in need. And I thank Him. But now the tables have turned… Thank you Sinead! For God has used you to answer a question I asked myself, earlier this week, “What is my next assignment?”. You see, I wanted to write a book. This entire year was dedicated to writing my book. I began to become distraught, though, when it did not happen. Feeling useless, because I hadn’t started. Thinking he was never going to use me in his kingdom, the way I, wanted him to use me. I realize now, I, had to get out of, my, own way. When I kept starting, but never really moving towards the finish, he was saying not yet. Unfortunately, until now of course, I didn’t have the direction, or reason, as to where I was going, or why I had to even change course. And then, He led me to you… He said, through you, to me, Sinead, “I have something more pressing for you to do”. He used you to give me direction. And I thank you. First thing next week, I will be doing what I promised myself I would do, some 15 years ago, and that’s finding a hospital, or mental illness facility to volunteer my time.
Sinead, may the blood of Jesus cover you in your journey, and go before you making your crooked places straight. May you feel the love of Jesus in your soul, so that you will never feel alone again. In Jesus name I pray, for He will never leave you, or forsake you. I am living testimony of this truth. May peace be with you always….
CWB
