Guidance

For the Toll Doth Rings on Death Ears

For the Toll Doth Rings on Death Ears

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For when the bell tolls

It weighs on my soul.

I look to the heavens.

A silent cry for mercy,

only to hear the toll

for yet another soul mourned.

For when the bell tolls

the ropes are bloody stained

I look to the heavens.

The hand on the left,

too distraught to help that on the right

For beneath the surface of the ropes

droplets of disbelief, coupled with

specks of agonizing restrain to hate

pucker in the rope of despair

for those who were senselessly

murdered yet again.

For when the bell tolls

Though our eyes fill with tears by day

And our hearts scream in the night

No one hears

Cause the toll doth rings on death ears.

 

 

These last couple of weeks, I’ve felt pain. Pain like no other. Pain which elevated to so many levels, what could have been meant for my harm, thankfully resulted in it being for my good.

It first started with the family members of those who had passed due to the Coronavirus pandemic. Feelings of empathy and heartfelt prayers emerged from my heart in an effort to comfort others as they grieved for their loved ones.  As time evolved, and the Coronavirus became old news, a more familiar issue came to the forefront, one of who we are unfortunately well aware, called racism. An imparity which can only be described as brutality against Black Americans by those feeling absurdly superior, to them. But in their farce image of superiority and condescending eyes of ignorance, it is believed, their validation is that of a genocidal nature, necessary in their eyes, to save the white race. Corona Virus was no longer the headliner for inhuman suffering. It was now, once again, that of the plight Black Americans find themselves facing every day. As if it were not probable, the world was burdened to witness, yet again, a replication of racism executed at its lowest point. This following the killings of innocent men at the mercy of civilian and government officials who thought themselves superior. As I witnessed Black Americans fighting for their life, tears profusely welled up, nonstop, on and off throughout the day. For it was no longer a pain imagined, but my own pain. A pain so deep, so recklessly evident, I feared for my own people. And as I witnessed Black Americans reactions to the plight of those Black Americans wrongly put to death; and listened to their comments as White Americans offered empathy towards them…, us;  I questioned Black Americans negative, unappreciated  efforts to accept their actions of heartfelt prayers and solidarity. Little did I know, my curiosity would soon be quenched with heart wrenching circumstances only God could make right.  That I would later be faced with similar pain inflicted by someone who felt just as superior to me and equally threatened by me, but due to circumstances, I would be forced to forgive.

At the onset, I felt my people’s pain, but could not understand their stubbornness to accept the select few, White American’s, who showed empathy and stood by our side. As the White Americans were extending their hearts to us, we ridiculed them and demeaned their gestures.  In Israel’s plight, Jeremiah made strong prophecies saying if a man chose his flesh and departed from the Lord’s ways, he would find himself in the desert, unable to see the good (Jeremiah 17: 5-6).  For me, we were judging them because of the color of their skin, just as the ignorant had done so, for so many years with us. I could not be the judge of their actions, no more than I wanted them to judge my status of eligibility to be considered human. How could I see the speck of sawdust in their eye, if I were to allow the current events to produce a plank in my own (Matthew 7:3)? Especially, since I was well aware of my Heavenly Father’s teachings. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ God forgave [us]… (Ephesians 4:32)”. For this reason, along with my love for God, I could not allow my Black self to join the bandwagon for racial propaganda against the White community. In my heart, I knew, not all White people were racist. Just as my heart knew truth, I knew God’s view was similar, as he always looks at the intention of the heart in matters of diversity. “Who knows the heart?”, Jeremiah ask, as… “it”, is deceitful. But the Lord searches the heart and test our intentions (Jeremiah 17: 9-10). So, understanding the Lord my God sees all, though White Americans may not fully understand our pain, I trusted Him to rule their sincerity. Because of their efforts, I was certainly not going to condemn them. If anything, I wanted to be grateful and praise God for the occurrence. And also praise Him for giving them the courage to do so. “For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer. (1 Timothy 4: 4-5)”. But because of the reactions of my brothers and sisters, they left me confused and bewildered, hence questioning my own understanding of their pain. But to fully understand the magnitude of their pain, I had to live it, regardless of the severity, or circumstance it would take to actual feel it, at any degree. And so, in my own life, as a parent, when I reached the crossroad of choosing my daughter’s happiness over my own, to save her marriage, I obviously chose hers. And so, it began.

“D” day, I felt it brewing. My daughter and I are extremely close. So, you could imagine the threat I must have been to her husband. I continued to ignore the signs of my son-in-law’s secret disdain for our relationship, respected his space, and loved him in spite of it all, until, as my ex-husband use to say, he showed his true colors. Something I inwardly felt, as well as others did from the very beginning, showed up on my doorstep. So, the day he cited me as a failure in all my relationships. A woman who couldn’t possibly know what it took to sustain a “good” marriage ( taken the word “good “ with a grain of salt), like he knew, because, “he”, was in a relationship previously for 12 years as opposed to my relationships which only lasted 4-5 years, I needed to stay out of his relationship with my daughter…. You know the rhetoric…. Yes! D – day had come. But though there were truths in the circumstances he spoke, I knew it wasn’t the truth that angered me so…Or should I say, hurt me so. For he didn’t know my heart and the true reasons why I found myself divorced, and recently separated from yet another. As my son-in-law numbified my heart, and killed any emotion I had left for him, because of his senseless words in an effort to, as he so put it, “save his marriage,” and knowing the one to blame for that bind he found himself in any way, was him, and him alone, I stepped back, and stepped down. If it were not for the thought of never seeing my daughter and beautiful grandson again, frankly I wouldn’t have cared if I ever saw him again. But because of this I asked God to give me the courage to love this man despite his callousness and apparent lack of sensitivity to anyone but himself. And so, God gradually mended my heart. Mind you, I said mend, because it’s still ripped to pieces as its sits in the cavity of my chest.  For as I said, it wasn’t what he said, but how it was said. My separations were always to allow someone else to endure happiness … To allow others to enjoy their vices…I never wanted to be the one to change someone, or stand in the way of their dreams, however selfish they were.  With my daughter in the past, it was allowing her to grow. If I am guilty of anything, it is understanding love. These people who I loved dearly, for their happiness, I sacrificed my own. It’s what I do. What I’ve always done. And God was always with me every step of the way. Just as he would give me the strength to stay, He would give me strength to leave. And I’m not condoning divorce. Or giving up on relationships. But if their your Isaacs, and there are no rams on the forefront, then you must let them go.  And so, in consulting God, whatever ended in my life was always amicable and mutual.  I think my pain from the incident with my son-in-law was more because I allowed myself to love a person, again, so self-centered, that his regard for me meant nothing, if only to satisfy his own agenda, to whatever degree, even if it was at my expense. Genocide. Mother-in-lawocide…Call it what you may. It was a ploy to be the object, and only object of my daughter’s attention without distraction or interference from anyone. The less he saw of me, the better. So, the pain was real. When I realized the similarities in the two situations… people getting rid of people, or abusing people to satisfy their own insecurities, I cried. Cried for my people, basically because I knew, oh too well, the personality of people like this. It would take an act of God to turn this all around as well as remove the pain.

Even though, my mission in life was always to unselfishly raise my daughter and teach her as I always said, “ to fly, just in case I wasn’t around to assist her”, in my son-in-law’s eyes, regardless of my actions, he refused to see it, in the light I was presenting. A mother continuing to no longer teach but help encourage her daughter to better understand her new role and become an even more amazing woman as a proverbial wife. But this too, I get.  I was already prepared. I knew all too well the scripture of how children were to leave their parents and become one as husband and wife (Matthew 19:5). So much so, that the tears I should have cried the day he ripped my heart out from my chest, and memories of my daughter flashed before my eyes, I’d already cried, one year prior. A demon, which brought sadness and anger all in one setting, only because somehow, I knew this would be the ultimate outcome. I also felt his apprehensions. How the calls to me, by my daughter sickened him. Her constant inclusions of me in their life sickened him. Mom this! Mom that! But I also knew my daughter. I knew our bond. And as a mother, knew at some point I would have to take a step back and let her fly solo as I once did before, several years prior. For though my daughter is amazing, all her fathers and I knew, to become more amazing, this was necessary. The day the reality of the revelation came to pass, God allowed her to be near. I looked up to the heavens, with tears in my eyes, choking on my words, and cried, “Why is it, I always have to let go of my child?” Lord why? But I already knew the answer to my questions. God knew it was what was needed to allow her to grow. Just as I leaned on him the first time, with tears in my eyes, I gave it to God.

I believe in my heart, my curiosity and cry for understanding ordered my path in fulfilling my quest to understand. The adage, “be careful of what you pray for”, is my takeaway. God hears us more than we know. And in doing so, will orchestrate our life to giving us, as I will say again, that “Aha” moment of clarity. So, in using a particular situation in my own life which had peculiarly heightened at the climax of all this racial propaganda, God allowed me to feel the pain. Pain so excruciating, I could not fathom ever seeing this person again without the pain and animosity for them being written all over my face. And if that were not enough, in order to really understand the magnitude of my pain, I seemed to keep using Trump as a simile of the character of the person I suddenly loathed. The one person in the world, who rubbed me so wrong, I cringed at the thought of him. Not that I was any better, but at any rate watched as little news as possible just to avoid hearing his squirrelly little voice.  When the two began to intertwine, I knew this was serious. So serious I was fearful for my Christian walk. I could not imagine ever forgiving this person, let alone looking at him. But I knew there were other people involved who I did love immensely so something had to be done. And I began remembering the magnitude of my God. And so, commenced praying and praising him. And saying over and over again, He was bigger than any pain I could ever endure. And I thanked Him in advance for putting love in my heart for this person. And forgiveness in my heart. And slowly as time progressed, found a way to allow myself to forgive and move on.

I wish there were something…, someone connected to these incredulous events that would allow my people to be forced to override their pain. Something which forces them to choose forgiveness rather than hatred. Then I thought of this powerful video I viewed on YouTube of 3 men in Charlotte voicing their frustration in the midst of protestors standing by. They were three generations and toward the end, the older man turns to the younger guy and says basically, don’t be the guy committing the violence. Find a better way to put a stop to all this madness because “This right here”, ain’t the way… Being amidst protest turned to violent rioting is not how the issues will ever be resolved.  I suppose between our love for God and our children, this can be the force to drive us. We must be an example and not choose to hate or behave ignorantly towards others as difficult as it may seem. If we teach our children to hate, and loot and act like, my grandmothers would say, “ like we ain’t got a pot to piss in” , then we are no better than those who believe ignorantly, or behave callously toward others just to fulfill their own agenda. What would this world be like if everyone felt threatened? Picture that!  It would never end.

There will always be someone who may feel threatened by our existence. It’s just the way of the world. We don’t all hold characteristics which project strength to that degree. As a matter of fact, part of what allowed me to move on was actually realizing this person needed help. If I didn’t know myself as I do, it would sound as though I felt I had a leg up on them.  It being ironic since they were thinking it the other way around. And yes, I know the result of my pain did not end my life, even though, in a manner of speaking, it did change it dramatically. Or that the tragedies which took place recently, and over the years could ever compare. I get it. But pain, regardless of the magnitude…. is pain. It hurts. Whether it’s a loved one whom you trust, or a stranger. Whether they were of your same nationality… or not… doesn’t matter. A stab to the back bleeds no matter who’s holding the knife… The hand who holds the knife is not the problem. Find the root, solve the issue. Right? Recognize the person needs help. And solve the issue… And maybe it is all relative, but I believe whatever it is, we have to remember our foundation. The helm of it all which has always enabled us as people of color to overcome, and that is the foundation of our faith and God. If we give them the power to take our faith… What do we have? Our God is bigger and powerful enough to remove the pain and bring us out in a better position than when we began. That person who hurt me may very well believe they have won, but I know my God. And I know despite my pain I am blessed. I sorely feel, though we are enduring this pain now, this will all turn around for our good. We will be stronger and better and assuredly more blessed than we ever have as a people. As God is my witness…. It is time….

 

 

CWB

 

     

    The known versus the unknown- “I will not be moved”

    The known versus the unknown- “I will not be moved”

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    When we don’t understand, or have control over certain issues in our life, the depravity lends itself to our innermost being and compels us to display some of our not so better qualities. Babies, out of frustration, resort to tantrums. And adults…, well, we do the same, but on a larger scale. Sort of like the, “Tantrums 102 – Heated discussions” class, where we, unabashedly speak our mind. A study in the human capacity to learn the unhealthy lesson of the stealthy art of debate, mastered and unfortunately, second nature to many, when the need arises. The prayer, ” God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference”, would be so useful if we all put it to use.

    One tries so hard to except people for their bad side and good. I know I do, since often times I’m preaching to give people the benefit of the doubt. Though, as God, being my teacher, and me, being imperfect, He always shows me areas in my journey where I can step up and be an even better woman. I find me asking myself, why I am so moved by one person’s actions and not the other. And if the reason I am moved is because of what they have done, or how they have behaved, then why am I unmoved by people who behave in the same manner… My mantra to consider people’s experiences of the past, due to it likely explaining their misbehavior in the present is what saves me from many a frustrating moment. The belief guards my heart and keeps me unfrazzled, and unharmed. In Proverbs 4:23, it says your heart reflects who you are as a person.  So, when the heart of the donor is not so pure, or the situation is so ridiculously malign to the point where I am bewildered, I find, my “frazzled” steps in and my “harm” is not too far behind. For here is where my religion is lost, and I become very frustrated. I would like to say in both situations, I am not scared. But I cannot. To different degrees, it all lingers. And it’s not so much because of the unforgiveness on my part, as it is the thought… The instant replay in my head of the situation. The feeling of the emotion experienced. Or simply, seeing a particular something, or someone which resembles the heartless and unbelievable moment when my world and how I view that someone, or something all change. I understand when people say I can forgive, but not forget. And yes, the devil has his own art of assisting the replay to formulate in our minds, but thankfully when we forgive, it inhibits our actions of belligerency and turns us toward being merciful.

    Of course, later, we find ourselves coming to terms with our feelings, which is great. But what about the in between. What we do with those feelings until we get to that point?  Again, what we cannot control, or understand brings out our not so best qualities. I know of one situation in my life, where at the beginning, because of my lack of understanding, I was belligerent. But later, as I grew to understand the situation, as well as, the person involved, I became more tolerant. So, it is much easier to save face when you know before hand what you are stepping into. It’s manageable, despite the lingering, unresolved uneasiness of the situation. It’s the new stuff… the unknown which ruffles my feathers to no avail. For the known, I can quite myself, but the unknown, like a baby, I’m in tantrum mode and become very opinionated, trying to understand the situation. Making sense of the madness, sought to speak. Like children…, not being able to articulate, or fathom a resolution for our circumstances gives way to chaotic behavior…

    My grandmother instilling in me at an early age, her enormous love for me, and the power of faith, diminished many of my struggles and frustrations where they were not as momentous as they could have been. As she rests in peace, it is my heavenly Father who continues to teach me the importance of impartiality and love. Showing me the err of my ways, I continue to strive to be a better person in all situations. I understand, more so now, what it is to turn the other cheek. To endure pain inflicted upon me by others and not be moved. To continue in battle. As long as I know God has my back, I don’t believe there is anything anyone can say, or do anymore that will move me from my frame of mind of being at peace. When I do encounter situations which I do not understand, I call on the holy spirit to guide me, while all along, constantly reciting Proverbs 91: 1-2, “ he who dwells in the secret place of the most high, shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God in Him I will Trust.”.  I ask forgiveness for any wrong which I may have unknowingly inflicted on others and stay in peace. I’ve not quite unlearned all that I mastered in “Tantrums 102 – Heated discussions”, but day by day that number (if referenced to the degree of intensity of my discussions regarding uncontrollable situations), has greatly diminished and I give God all the glory…

    CWB

      God is your Biggest Fan – Don’t give up!

      God is your Biggest Fan – Don’t give up!

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      It brings tears to my eyes when I think of the times God has encouraged me through others… Days when I felt weightless and frazzled, as though the rug had been swept from under my feet. When I didn’t know whether I was coming or going.  Or, whether to sit down, or stand up.  Like an entree of breakfast chops and scrambled eggs, struggling to comprehend the time of day.  Feelings of no direction, yet always moving towards something. Never sure if the something I was headed toward, was the something which was divinely orchestrated.  Nevertheless, God always found a way to communicate to me along the way, all was good… Giving me insight and encouragement, He would gently whisper, “Keep going…You Got This”.

       

      God is so awesome. A well-known fact shared whole heartedly throughout, I’m sure.  On my worse days, He can alleviate the greatest sufferings and infuse it with a sense of peace. If this were an ode, it would be a passionate, fervent ode to my God. For my heart cries and sings simultaneously as I reminisce of His goodness in my life. My mind, in awe, is mystified by the way He touches my life. Have you ever been in love? It is this kind of love which is the feeling I have when I think of Him. The love you cannot live without, even on your busiest of days. It’s the kind of love, no matter what the case may be, you can never be angry with the other. You always find your way back to that feeling, that love, which thankfully never goes away. In Romans 8: 38:39, Paul writes, “ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God.” Once you have experienced His presence and have acknowledged Him as your God, and expressed to Him your love for Him and His children, there is no turning back. If like Paul and many believers, you raised your hands to the sky asking for forgiveness and mercy, and then praised Him for giving you peace which surpasses all understanding… And if like Paul, and many believers you did this on a daily basis, every chance you could get…. There isn’t anything, anyone, or any circumstance that will be able to take that fervent Love away you have for your God.

       

      When talking with my Mom on the phone, we snicker like little girls, as we tell our stories of triumph, witnessing God’s influence and hand on our life.  Just like David in 1 Chronicles 16:9 when he was overwhelmed with the goodness of the Lord, exalting, “Sing to Him, sing his praise; tell of His wonderful acts”.…….When you begin to witness his goodness, you can’t help but rejoice and sing praise to His name. He helps us along in the most mundane of ways. One of the amazing gifts given to us is to know He is here encouraging us, cheering us on, teaching us the fundamentals of life, as He knows it. Just as earthly fathers teach their children, He too teaches us daily.  It is disheartening though, to see those of us who do not realize how close God’s hand is to their own. If they’d only reach out and take His hand, they too would see and feel his amazing love for us. Just last week, I was trying to decide on which day to mow the lawn.  And suddenly, a vague shimmer of thought and encouragement evaded my mind which suggested I mow it on Tuesday, even though I really wanted to mow it on Wednesday, since the forecast didn’t call for rain until Thursday. Not fully confident who it was, or what it was nudging me along, I conceded it was the Lord’s doing and asked Him to help me to be obedient. The following day after I had mowed the lawn, as I pulled up to the driveway to get the mail, sun shining … not a cloud in the sky… I said see Lord, could have mowed the lawn today anyway. And thought, maybe it wasn’t You after all nudging me along.   And since He was giving me lessons on knowing his voice, I decided to chalk this one up to, not, being his voice, at this time. But then 20 minutes later, around the time I would have been heading out to do the lawn, what do you know… I looked out the window and what did I see, but little droplets of rain falling on the deck… I had to take a second look and wipe my eyes a bit, until it was plain to see it had started to rain. I was tickled pink….

       

      He speaks to me through the sermons of my Pastor. He speaks to me and through me in my writing. I see Him in messages inscribed on bulletin boards, tags of cars when driving, or pamphlets I read when given the opportunity. So many signs. No one could ever imagine how grateful I am for my life and the encouragement I receive from God. Whether it is for the purpose He has given me, or the mundane activities of my life, He gives me encouragement each and every day.  Through all the trials and tribulations, I would not change any of it for all the world. For my Father has taught me so much about love, fear, and trust. He truly has made me and molded me in His image. And His encouragement tells me, I am his biggest fan.

        Love….

        Love….

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        The Love of God…, an amazing feeling, which if believed, can move …unsurmountable mountains. Heal… the most wounded of hearts. And encourage and guide, those of us who are lost and disenchanted by the afflictions of life. With this love, amazing feats can be accomplished. But more so, with this love, if instilled in the lives of two people who care deeply for one another, can teach them, there is nothing more precious than the love they share for each other. And when given, on top of these teachings, the amazing gift of insight from the Holy spirit, if receptive, the spirit will always be there to help and guide them, if they are not hardened by the intrusion, but rather embraced by what it truly is… a gift of love.

        I watch the love relationships within my family, where they involve the love of a man and a woman. So many obstacles, and mountains we encounter when we agree to come as one. Even if ordained by God, life still floors us with the unexpected… The unwanted. Many times, looking as though it is the end… Having us wonder what we have done, where we went wrong, and how it can be fixed.  And though we attempt to heed the warnings, speculating the union between a man and a woman is no bed of roses, ironically it is not what we anticipate going in to the union, because we recall the love initially shared and felt by us both.  Innocently forgetting, though we have been bought together as one, to live in one accord; we are still at the end of the day… individuals. Individuals with very different personalities, upbringings, and mindsets. But if we truly come to one accord as in Philippians 2:1-30 , “ …[with] encouragement [from] Christ, … comfort from love, … participation in the Spirit, …affection and sympathy, [we can be] complete[d] [with the ]… joy [of] … being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. [If we] [d]o nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than [ourselves]. [If we] … look not only to [our] own interests, but also to the interests of others [, we may] [h]ave this mind among [each other], which is [ours] in Christ Jesus, [uninhibited and in one accord] …

         

        And so, never underestimate the love of God and how the spirit of our Lord Jesus can work in our lives. I continue to profess every day, if those that never knew him only knew what I have come to realize and experience in abiding in the shelter of His Most High, they would latch on to him and never let go.  He will indeed test your endurance.  But I believe He feels if you can walk through the fire and not give up, you can get through anything and not turn around for the journey will get easier and be more profound. Meaning if you thought you were in love at the beginning, just wait to see what you feel after you have been through some things which were beyond your control and you survived. You stood your ground, did not whimper, or run away, but prayed and hid in the shadows of the Almighty, putting your trust in him because he is your God (Psalm 91).  Embrace Life…. Embrace Love …. Challenge that which comes against you, with the many gifts God’s grace and the Holy Spirit provides you with so that ultimate gift, the gift of love will abound.

        CWB

          Threshing Results Peace

          Threshing Results Peace

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          On the drive in to work Monday morning, I experienced an amazing sense of peace. Clarity so profound it was surreal. As I glared through the windows, I wondered with disbelief if someone had washed the windows of my car. There was a gentleness about the moment. A sense of peace illuminating the air. It was as if I had reached the mark of a new dawn. There were no worries, just an overwhelming feeling of confidence and peace for the future. I felt, regardless of the outcome of my current circumstances, I was going to be alright. At that moment I felt free… Freer than I’d ever been before. God was saying it was going to be alright…

          In the last week or so, my life unraveled revealing the many frustrations which held me bound in my past, and present. After taking in, all I had learned of myself and my circumstances this weekend, Monday morning, I was tested in the wee hours of the morning.  God, having knowledge of all the various circumstances which always left me bound and vulnerable, was on a mission to unshackle the untrusting me from my empathetic self.  It started with the feeling of no one acknowledging they loved me and meaning it unconditionally. In the past, these feelings were extinguished as I was thankfully blessed with a daughter in my earlier years who saved me, many times, from the feeling of loneliness and abandonment. Like many women bought up in dysfunctional families, having a child of their own awarded the opportunity for the child to be that person they felt loved them unconditionally. It sometimes allowed them the ability to function without the validation of being a woman when there was no one else in their life, particularly a partner, to stand by their side.  For me, it seemed whenever this feeling of abandonment and loneliness occurred is when my validation as a woman would be challenged. But on this day, I firmly stood ground and said proudly I am who God said I am. Beautifully and wonderfully made, the head and not the tail, and whatever was trying to enter had absolutely no power over who I was as a woman of God. God was my maker; my Shepherd and He would keep me from harm. And suddenly those feelings of inadequacy went away.  For the first time in my life, in regard to this feeling of abandonment, I stood my ground against the lies the devil and his counterparts were attempting to instill in me. And when thinking back to the message received this past Sunday, I realized this tactic was what was used against me my entire life.  Prior to feeling the peace as I drove to work, I preceded to my car knowing I was who God said I was, and this time I believed it.   And so, whether it was this revelation, or the fact of many truths this weekend setting me free, there was an astounding sense of peace this morning … somewhat like the calm after the storm in which I gave God the glory.

          As the week progressed, and the testing continued I found myself sweeping out everything which held me bound. A process which was similar, as I soon learned, to threshing. Something farmers did to separate the good grain from the grain which wasn’t profitable, or worth retaining. For without the threshing the harvest itself would be worthless, or invaluable. And so, after looking at every aspect of what was being threshed, it all boiled down to my fears. Fears of being alone, and therefore not being validated as a woman. Fear of being mistreated and taken advantage; talked about, ridiculed for not living up to the expectations of others. And lastly…, not fear, but the wisdom to, not only give to God, and forgive the issues which bound me due to other people’s insensitivities which angered me, but also to release them from my spirit, so that I could continue to walk in the light. Something I had not fully mastered, especially when the circumstances were so out there, I would find myself many times scratching my head wondering, “What in the world”.   I was basically sweeping out the dust bunnies. Those stubborn particles which, with every sweep, would 9 times out of 10 sail into the air only to find its way back to the floor where you would just have to catch it, and sweep again. But this week I was determined. For this was not the first time I experienced that sense of peace which surpassed all understanding. But it was the first time God revealed to me the steps I needed to maintain the peace, so that everyday was a peaceful day.

          I love my God because I know the long road I have travelled and how He has carried me, protected me, and supplied my every need along the way. I know the times I have become so angry with Him, it is shameful. But I know, also, how He has forgiven me and still strives to fulfill my destiny as He desires it to be. I am in awe of His goodness and could sit at His feet, days on end. And would, if given the opportunity.  My life has never been more richly fulfilled then when I seek God and yield to His teachings. All the tragedy’s I would ever experience could not remotely compare to the love I feel from my heavenly Father. I do not always understand His motives, but there’s one thing I do understand, and it is His love for me. It’s constant even when I don’t realize it. And those times I do come to realize, I realize as well, He was there the entire time just waiting for that opportune moment when I suddenly am apt to take that next step in my journey to yield to Him just a little bit more.

          CWB

            Something to talk about…

            Something to talk about…

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            “Declare his glory among the nations, His marvelous works among all the people… (Psalms 96:3).”  To have this opportunity…, to declare God’s goodness is a blessing in more ways than one. It first gives us the incentive to be mindful of the goodness he produces in our life. To anticipate His marvelous works.  But moreover, it allows others the blessing of hearing firsthand, how great, and powerful He is … still is, in our life. When we speak of God’s goodness and shout it to the rooftop, we are so elated it can be heard in our voices. Our whole demeanor changes once the thought of God’s goodness crosses our mind. Others, then, are able to see, and feel as well, his blessings manifested in our life. It is exciting…. seeing and hearing the works of God in the lives of others. If they are aware of his goodness and mercy in your life, then they know, just as it worked out for you, it can work out for them as well in their own.

            Patience is a virtue. A character, which if possessed, will allow you to see tomorrow, if God wills it, with dignity. I look back on the times I’ve lost patience with God, or myself really, and wondered, when will I do for myself what is needed. When will I persevere through the tougher times in life. I’m not talking about the times when there was no opposition, like writing a book…. Or looking for a job… These feats take stamina…staying power. Once you start, you continue until you are finished.  No…, I’m talking about those times, within those times, when we felt as though the walls were closing in all around us, and we could not breathe.  When the powers of darkness convinced us, we would not accomplish what we set out to do. Convinced us we would not accomplish what God has willed for in our life. Or when we felt like we took a wrong turn in life, and there’s no way we can get back on course. Or our character has been attacked and we believe all hope is gone…The times we feel like our only option is to jump ship. To give up and take a safer, less opposing path.  “[But, it is these times we] …need to persevere so that when …[we] have done the will of God, …[we] will receive what He has promised (Hebrews 10:36).” We need to allow ourselves time. Time to grow, to learn, to think, and to receive the grace He so lovingly bestows upon us in order to achieve what He has instilled in us to achieve. God discloses to us a plan he has for our life, but if we are not patient, we will never see it come to pass.

            Of course, we could, as I have witnessed countless times, view the same scenic route around the mountain, and never achieve the ultimate promise. But then what would we have to shout about? What fun would that be? I fancy the notion, God shielding me with his favor. I look forward to those times when he works in my life. In fact, It’s like a game. Life is so discouraging at times but knowing this gives me the grace to kick a bad feeling every time. I remind myself, One …. “This too shall pass.” … And Two …., once it’s all said and done, there’s no doubt, I will have something to shout to the roof tops… Something to praise my heavenly Father in doing what he does best in my life. I will have, in all his wondrous glory and marvelous works … something to talk about.

            CWB

              Life’s Surprises – My Prayer to the Newlyweds

              Life’s Surprises – My Prayer to the Newlyweds

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              Every now and then, life takes us by surprise.  We go from one day to the next, simply living our lives as best we can, and the next thing we know, there are challenges. Challenges which require courage, as well as wisdom. Some of us fly, by the seat of our pants. And for some of us, we pray. But, however the approach, we all hope that the decisions we make in our lives are the right ones chosen. When considering all the uncontrollable obstacles in our path, it is no wonder any of us ever accomplish anything.  All the unforeseen setbacks. All the changes in our life which sometimes call for minor, or even major adjustments to our mental state of being, such as when a loved one passes. Or when we feel as though we have failed at an accomplishment in life. These are the times when we, unwillingly, are beckoned to extinguish uncontrollable fires. But there are also times when, by grace, we are appointed the task of watering areas in our life which still thrive and have managed to escape the scorch. And for those areas which are still thriving, we can continue to believe for the unexpected. To hope that we are given the opportunity to inevitably change our life for the better. To address decisions, which are welcoming, after a painstaking worry for the future and its outcome. After clandestinely seeking much-needed reprieve…, it is that something which makes us feel alive again. It gives our life new meaning and purpose.  These wonderous moments which gives us reason to press forward. There are linings of silver in every cloud. Pots of gold at the end of every rainbow. The reward for being diligent and believing that our lives are destined for new beginnings, and great discoveries.  And if, moreover, we also believe we are not alone and there is a higher being, helping us and guiding us along the way, it is effortless. For as he pushes us to grow as caring individuals we behold a promise of purpose for an amazing tomorrow.  “Blessed…[are they] who trust …, [and] whose confidence is in Him (Jeremiah 17:7).” For they are those who truly experience the wonders of life and its amazing surprises.

              Last Sunday, August 12, 2018, I was able to witness one of life’s most amazing surprises. For two beautiful and very special people it was a surprise that was undoubtedly unexpected. I’m sure if they were to look back on their life, growing up together in grade school, they would not have imagined an outcome such as this. Their hearts entwined with such love, this day, even a nine-year-old, witnessing the event, sensed it with amazement. Without much thought, these two knew and committed their hearts to each other for a life time.  Both, driven by a sense of urgency, decisions were made, and lives were changed, for them, as well as for others. But no matter the obstacles, or decisions which took place prior to meeting again and discovering their destiny, they understood and committed their lives to each other. We cannot be afraid of what the future holds.  For fear, as I always say is the one thing which can prevent us from living and achieving our destiny. There is a plan for each and every one of our lives if we are patient and continue to press forward. Strangely though, when we reach the end, the outcome and all we have accomplished appears insanely incredulous.  Nothing anyone would believe, or ever imagine, unless experienced firsthand, or knew of their story transpires. It is a story written by God. He has a way of guiding us, and intricately placing those pieces of our life together in such a way, we know could only be pawned by his hand, and His hand alone.  A sacrifice we know too well. If we are quiet and not forcing our issues or agenda, he will get us where we need to be. If we allow Him, our great Almighty God to take what he has made and continue to complete what he has started, he will complete our lives. Imagine the masterpiece. For he sees all, has His hand in everything and has a history in creating much. He knew what our purpose was even before we were born. How amazing is the day when it all comes together!

               

              For these two, whose lives were not always straightforward, I pray that God continues to watch over them.  May he always remind them how they came to be, and the sacrifices they encountered in order to come together. May their hearts remain entwined and they always remember nothing is impossible and to never give up on themselves, or each other.  This is just the beginning to an already amazing story. May they appreciate every waking moment they have together and believe and hope for a future filled with more of life’s amazing surprises living in, and through Jesus’ Holy name.  May they be blessed always and forever……. Love you both… Mom.

              CWB

                A Better you – Sustained and eventually Reinvented (Part 1)

                A Better you – Sustained and eventually Reinvented (Part 1)

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                The most interesting compliment someone ever said to me was how good I was at reinventing myself. This person, as my mentor, worked very closely with me as I began accepting more challenging roles in my career. Unfortunately, at the same time, I was also having additional challenges on a more personal level, both physically and mentally. Be it as they were challenges, they felt unlike any other challenge; almost as if they were determined to destroy me. And although my mentor was not aware of the facts, but able to see my outward appearance, I imagine he realized, whatever I was going through, I was handling it with great stride and coming out of it, as it seemed, better than when I had begun. Since then, his words have stuck with me as I had a great deal of respect for him. Little did he know that it wasn’t me reinventing me, but God. Because while encountering all these challenges which I felt were more than enough for me to handle, I was praying, God please help me get through this, or better yet, show me how. And God was there for me, through every challenging experience.  With prayer I believed anything I encountered would be made sustainable with the power of prayer and perseverance. I believed I would shine yet again as this too passed. I persevered and became stronger.

                Today, as I look back and remember all what I have been through…, on a personal level. Not so much in regard to relationships, though He had a hand in them as well, as He watched over the decisions I made, or the difficulties I encountered when relating with others. But personally…, me developing as a woman, and as his child. As his faithful, obedient, and confident child. I rediscover, today, my reinventions in myself and think, as so many of us do, where would I be if it were not for his grace that carried me through those difficult times.  The times when the demons were running through my mind trying to scare the bugeebees out of me. The times when I felt everyone was against me. The times when I felt so unattractive because my hair was falling out due to my physical health challenges; through the tears I’d call on God to ask Him to help me comb my hair. Yes, comb my hair! To sustain me for that day so I could look presentable long enough to go to work and hurry back home to my sanctuary. No one truly knew my pains and sufferings… But if it were not for God and He continually instilling the love of self in me, letting me know I would get through with his grace, it could have been me taking my life as I have heard so many others do when they were at their wits end.

                God is our refuge and our strength always ready to help in times of trouble [Psalm 46:1]. God is with us every step of the way. My heart goes out to those who are unaware of the effect He can have on their life. I called on Him for my hair! Which is so remarkable to me still, as I look back. I mean He literally gave me ideas of what I needed to do to restore my womanly glory. For many would think it vain, but for my God, He saw that however trivial to some, I was in need of help from Him. And He came simply because I called with mustard seed in tow. For Him, it was the compassion of a parent seeing their child in distress, if not but a simple booboo as we would say, for that child it was devastating. For me, I understand the brutality of going through situations where you could not even imagine it changing. We feel for that moment, our yesterdays are gone, as well as our hope, and we are left with the feeling of nothing… But if we remember to hope in the Lord, and let the holy spirit be our guide, we are able to persevere through anything. David proclaimed he always envisioned the Lord before him, and because of this he was always happy, in good spirits and rejoicing in song (Acts 2:25-26). When you have Jesus always on the forefront, and He sees this He will never cease to amaze you with his wonderful works. It’s like following behind your father as a young child and watching him do amazing feats that you know you could never do in your own strength because you are so small compared to him. And your father so excited that he can show you things. Proud to be the center of your attention, impatiently showing you all he can as he watches you with love, take it all in as you grow in to the amazing person He is well aware you are able to become.  It’s amazing the relationship we can have with our heavenly Father when we let Him in our lives. I am in such awe of his goodness, and constantly saying how awesome He is and has shown Himself to be in my life. The littlest of things He does for me, amazes me, to say the least.

                I recently tested whether, or not it was really Him creating these miracles in my life. My fiancée and I were going through some tough times where he had suddenly stopped telling me he loved me. So, during that time I began to, of course, doubt his love for me. Well long story short, miraculously things began to turn around. The relationship was amended, and to top it off, he also began to say, once again, I love you. But this time much more frequently than I was used to receiving. Like every day, which made me think, “Ok…, did he have a conversation with my Mom, and by her suggestion, began this amazing feat, or was this by the hand of God.”  For a good while I just accepted it. It was wonderful to hear. But then I thought, good Lord, if this is just because someone egged him on, and not from his heart, this can’t be good. And then it began to sound really genuine. And yes, it should always be genuine, but you know, some men would rather not say it at all, much less say it with feeling. You may get a mumble every now and then, but it’s always as if they are participating in some ritual extraction. So, I said God, if this is your doing please give me a sign. And guess what happened, the next morning no I love you. I was like a wimpy kitten. And I don’t even like cats…. But I wondered, where’s my I love you, and then I remembered with amusement the question I asked only the day before. I said Ok, Lord, I won’t complain, but please fix it back to the way it was when he was telling me he loved me every day. And lo and behold, the next morning, like music to my ears, the sweet “I love you” resumed as usual.

                But my greatest lesson in all this is to never give up. I recently went through another episode of what I would call Life’s most devastating moments and was calling on God everyday asking Him to help me. After so many tries or attempts at what I had preoccupied myself with, I was truly about to give up, when a voice egged me on to try one more time. Little did I know that had I given up I would not have known the next attempt would be the reward. We hear others say it all the time, but we never really experience that ‘Aha” moment, until it has happened to us. I understand how one can give up. And the frustration that would impel someone to give up just before the breakthrough. We think it insane from the outside looking in, but it’s not really. Especially when your fighting with the dark, in the dark, trying to stay encouraged. But now I also know the blessing when we have faith and call on Jesus, or simply give it to Him. The overwhelming unbelievable joy you feel when you can breathe a sigh of relief that you made it through. But not only have you made it through, you put up a fight on purpose. Determined… I’ve had situations where I was so busy, God had to have taken the reigns in order for me to have come through the amazing feats I encountered. And He does, at times. Think of car accidents that were prevented. You don’t even know they’re coming. But He watches over us in all circumstances. But the times when you are in the midst. When you see and feel every wrenching attribute which is determined to make your life a miserable hell. That is when the good fight and its passing is a testimony that will last a life time. You were fighting in the midst of all the chaos and came through. Better than you were when you started. Brand new and reinvented with the help of God, Jesus, and the holy spirit all wrapped up in one.

                CWB

                  Persevering with Success

                  Persevering with Success

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                  I wondered recently, what attributes produce success. I look at my life, and though I would consider myself successful, to a certain degree, I’ve yet to accomplish the more challenging goals laid out before me. Or should I say, those goals which God has placed in my heart. There are times when I think I should be doing more but feel as though I procrastinate. After putting in my 9 – 5, the first thing that comes to mind is R & R which unfortunately, at times, leads to a feeling of guilt…. But then, with God’s grace, He encourages me, and reminds me I am operating in His time and this is good. In 2 Peter 3: 8-9 and Habakkuk 2-3, we are asked to be patient, for the visions placed in our heart will come to pass, despite the long wait for it to manifest.

                  In general, woman, rarely have moments of pure relaxation…. But, then again, who does these days. I do know, if I am procrastinating, I am the most productive procrastinator I know. I may not be accomplishing my greatest feat, but I have accomplished a great many feats, none the less. There is always something that will need our attention, thereby lending our dream – goal oriented tasks to neglect, and, or a disturbed feeling of procrastination. We set out keeping God first and foremost; keeping a happy home; and keeping ourselves intact in the midst of everything going on in life.  I feel I start things, and rarely are able to finish what I started. Always distracted by other tasks. Passions in life require time, and commitment. Two of the things, I either do not have, or rather not do, for fear I will end up quitting anyway because of what I feel I do not have, which is of course, again is time. . . But this is a new dawn on my life. I feel God has anointed this time in my life and I am compelled to seek His presence, vigilantly, now more than ever. I want to achieve and produce amazing feats because God has done such amazing feats in my life. I guess like any child, you want to acknowledge the sacrifices made on your behalf and show your appreciation for what your parents have done for you.  I realize, if those desires, I want to accomplish are truly anointings from God, my Father, He will guide me to do what He has called me to do.  Whether it be raising my children, taking care of my parents, working in my profession, or realizing my humanitarian passions, God will make a way and guide my path to the destiny He willed for my life.

                  Success in anything we will do in life, no doubt requires hard work. Lack of time is not the only deterrent.  You can have the passion all day long, but if there is no motivation, or willingness to muster through the muddy waters, you will likely fail. Take my writing for instance. If it were not for God’s grace, assuredly, I would not be doing this today. I’ve had a passion for writing for a good 20 years, if not more. I’d start and stop. Start and stop. Never sticking to the task of completing a project. But as I started seeking God, earnestly, realizing without him life is so much more difficult, I then realized along the way, I was more successful in everything I did. And that which He placed on my heart became an even deeper desire. More like a need. It became part of me and was no longer a dream. This is when I realized dawn had come. Though I still had very little time to accomplish what I desired or needed to do, I had Him to lean on and guide me throughout my day. You hear others say God wants you to include him in everything you do. Well it’s not just so He, I don’t know, can take up more of your time. It truly benefits you. I get so much more accomplished when I seek him continuously throughout the day.  I say, “Lord you put this before me, and I don’t see how I ‘m going to be able to accomplish everything.” “I need your help.” “Order my steps today.” Simple as that, and He guides me to the areas I need to address first. I finish with the first task, and then ask him what I should do next, and the Holy spirit guides me. Till I suddenly realize, I have accomplished so much, while still managing to get some rest (which is by the way, very important to me). He is so amazing! Now don’t get me wrong, it’s still hard work, but it’s so much more enjoyable, and much more rewarding when you do it in the midst of seeking God. The hour and a half commute to work, which everyone seems to dread, feels like half an hour when I’m praising him, or catching up with family members on the phone. The worry as to whether, or not I will forfeit rest for productivity, no longer a concern. He just orders my steps, prioritizes my schedule, and to my amazement I feel better than ever, accomplishing all that I set out to do, including my passions.

                  As it states in Psalms 16:3, if you commit, or seek God regarding the work set before you, it will be successful because you sought him. He would not give us a task, or responsibility, or blessing and not support us in what we do. When He said He will not leave or forsake us, it was meant in every aspect of our life. We are called for a purpose. Whether it is the purpose of raising our children; keeping a pleasant home for our family; building upon in our career the talents God so graciously instilled in us; good will come because it was willed by God and guided by the Holy spirit. We should never feel as though accomplishments are impossible, because as we all know, all things are possible with God. Run your race with enthusiasm. Delight yourself in His amazing mercy and see what He has in store for you….

                  CWB

                    He heals and restore – Because He loves us… & He is our Father

                    He heals and restore – Because He loves us… & He is our Father

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                    God is an awesome God. I do not know how He does what He does, or why He is doing, what He is doing in my life, but I am grateful. Well…, I guess I do know why. Because He loves me. If taken note, we can see the many times, He has answered our prayers. He loves the humor in it all. It brings Him joy to see our faces, when we realize just how much He loves us. When we let go, and rest in Him, knowing He has it all under control. When we realize we are special, and important to Him. When we put all our cares, and trust in Him, He then touches every area of our lives. He will be our healer not only to our physical being, but to our mental being. And with that, it enables Him to restore our relationships, as well as any unwanted inconceivable situation we find ourselves. He is a restorer to all aspects of our life… big, and small.

                    In our life, unwanted circumstances, when governed by our flesh incite disconcertment. We lose it…  All bearings, beliefs, and pottered being…, gone. Suddenly our lives are uncontrollable, spiraling into the walls of despair, with no opportunity to turn left, or right. God has formed you into this incredible being, and then inconvenient circumstances take it all away. We could try to change the circumstances, but what good would it do. Whether the fight be with man, or darkness, we should, instead, turn to God in prayer. In Psalm 37:4, we are told if we ponder on the word of God, and sanctify ourselves with the renowned goodness of God, He will then give us the desires of our heart. This holds true not only to our well-being, but the well-being of others. We should pray for those we encounter when their situations seem chaotic, or inconceivable. In Hebrew 4:16, it says let us approach God with confidence, so that we will receive the grace, and mercy of God when we are in need of His help. He can change hearts. And sometimes, in His own cognizant, He will intercede without the encouragement of our prayers. Out of love and concern, He will make our wrongs right. In Ezekiel 36, God, so frustrated with the Israelites, decided He would punish them no more. Instead, because of their ungodly behavior, He would show them, He is God, and change their hearts. They would look back, and see how shameful they had become within their actions, and, or way of life. If God can change the heart of a nation (which I believe He is doing today with all the scandals of sexual immorality), He can change the hearts in relationships. The how is in His almighty power. He has a pocketful of miracles for our problems, and unwanted situations. In Jeremiah 33:3, God spoke to Jeremiah and said, “Call to me and I will answer you, and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” God sees, and knows all. So, we need not fear our circumstances, if we trust and truly believe in His mercy. Nor should we be afraid of His powers, all though it can seem eerie when He whispers secrets no one knows, or healings from impossible feats of reality. At times It scares even me… but I remember He is my father. He not only loves me, but will protect me, so I need not fear of His whispers, or what His course of action will be.  I simply abide in Him… Trust Him and wait on the holy spirit for guidance. I bear fruit. Like the fruit of the tree, it just appears. I abide in Him, and He gives me perfect peace as my mind is stayed on thee… not just on Sunday…but Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. He loves me. That’s it. Pure love.

                    If we trust Him too heal that which is unrelenting, we can trust He will keep us safe, and help us when we need help. Relationships and unwanted encounters, or situations are always difficult to endure. We need Him in our lives. It is impossible to stand the test without Him by our side.

                    CBW

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