God

For the Toll Doth Rings on Death Ears

For the Toll Doth Rings on Death Ears

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For when the bell tolls

It weighs on my soul.

I look to the heavens.

A silent cry for mercy,

only to hear the toll

for yet another soul mourned.

For when the bell tolls

the ropes are bloody stained

I look to the heavens.

The hand on the left,

too distraught to help that on the right

For beneath the surface of the ropes

droplets of disbelief, coupled with

specks of agonizing restrain to hate

pucker in the rope of despair

for those who were senselessly

murdered yet again.

For when the bell tolls

Though our eyes fill with tears by day

And our hearts scream in the night

No one hears

Cause the toll doth rings on death ears.

 

 

These last couple of weeks, I’ve felt pain. Pain like no other. Pain which elevated to so many levels, what could have been meant for my harm, thankfully resulted in it being for my good.

It first started with the family members of those who had passed due to the Coronavirus pandemic. Feelings of empathy and heartfelt prayers emerged from my heart in an effort to comfort others as they grieved for their loved ones.  As time evolved, and the Coronavirus became old news, a more familiar issue came to the forefront, one of who we are unfortunately well aware, called racism. An imparity which can only be described as brutality against Black Americans by those feeling absurdly superior, to them. But in their farce image of superiority and condescending eyes of ignorance, it is believed, their validation is that of a genocidal nature, necessary in their eyes, to save the white race. Corona Virus was no longer the headliner for inhuman suffering. It was now, once again, that of the plight Black Americans find themselves facing every day. As if it were not probable, the world was burdened to witness, yet again, a replication of racism executed at its lowest point. This following the killings of innocent men at the mercy of civilian and government officials who thought themselves superior. As I witnessed Black Americans fighting for their life, tears profusely welled up, nonstop, on and off throughout the day. For it was no longer a pain imagined, but my own pain. A pain so deep, so recklessly evident, I feared for my own people. And as I witnessed Black Americans reactions to the plight of those Black Americans wrongly put to death; and listened to their comments as White Americans offered empathy towards them…, us;  I questioned Black Americans negative, unappreciated  efforts to accept their actions of heartfelt prayers and solidarity. Little did I know, my curiosity would soon be quenched with heart wrenching circumstances only God could make right.  That I would later be faced with similar pain inflicted by someone who felt just as superior to me and equally threatened by me, but due to circumstances, I would be forced to forgive.

At the onset, I felt my people’s pain, but could not understand their stubbornness to accept the select few, White American’s, who showed empathy and stood by our side. As the White Americans were extending their hearts to us, we ridiculed them and demeaned their gestures.  In Israel’s plight, Jeremiah made strong prophecies saying if a man chose his flesh and departed from the Lord’s ways, he would find himself in the desert, unable to see the good (Jeremiah 17: 5-6).  For me, we were judging them because of the color of their skin, just as the ignorant had done so, for so many years with us. I could not be the judge of their actions, no more than I wanted them to judge my status of eligibility to be considered human. How could I see the speck of sawdust in their eye, if I were to allow the current events to produce a plank in my own (Matthew 7:3)? Especially, since I was well aware of my Heavenly Father’s teachings. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ God forgave [us]… (Ephesians 4:32)”. For this reason, along with my love for God, I could not allow my Black self to join the bandwagon for racial propaganda against the White community. In my heart, I knew, not all White people were racist. Just as my heart knew truth, I knew God’s view was similar, as he always looks at the intention of the heart in matters of diversity. “Who knows the heart?”, Jeremiah ask, as… “it”, is deceitful. But the Lord searches the heart and test our intentions (Jeremiah 17: 9-10). So, understanding the Lord my God sees all, though White Americans may not fully understand our pain, I trusted Him to rule their sincerity. Because of their efforts, I was certainly not going to condemn them. If anything, I wanted to be grateful and praise God for the occurrence. And also praise Him for giving them the courage to do so. “For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer. (1 Timothy 4: 4-5)”. But because of the reactions of my brothers and sisters, they left me confused and bewildered, hence questioning my own understanding of their pain. But to fully understand the magnitude of their pain, I had to live it, regardless of the severity, or circumstance it would take to actual feel it, at any degree. And so, in my own life, as a parent, when I reached the crossroad of choosing my daughter’s happiness over my own, to save her marriage, I obviously chose hers. And so, it began.

“D” day, I felt it brewing. My daughter and I are extremely close. So, you could imagine the threat I must have been to her husband. I continued to ignore the signs of my son-in-law’s secret disdain for our relationship, respected his space, and loved him in spite of it all, until, as my ex-husband use to say, he showed his true colors. Something I inwardly felt, as well as others did from the very beginning, showed up on my doorstep. So, the day he cited me as a failure in all my relationships. A woman who couldn’t possibly know what it took to sustain a “good” marriage ( taken the word “good “ with a grain of salt), like he knew, because, “he”, was in a relationship previously for 12 years as opposed to my relationships which only lasted 4-5 years, I needed to stay out of his relationship with my daughter…. You know the rhetoric…. Yes! D – day had come. But though there were truths in the circumstances he spoke, I knew it wasn’t the truth that angered me so…Or should I say, hurt me so. For he didn’t know my heart and the true reasons why I found myself divorced, and recently separated from yet another. As my son-in-law numbified my heart, and killed any emotion I had left for him, because of his senseless words in an effort to, as he so put it, “save his marriage,” and knowing the one to blame for that bind he found himself in any way, was him, and him alone, I stepped back, and stepped down. If it were not for the thought of never seeing my daughter and beautiful grandson again, frankly I wouldn’t have cared if I ever saw him again. But because of this I asked God to give me the courage to love this man despite his callousness and apparent lack of sensitivity to anyone but himself. And so, God gradually mended my heart. Mind you, I said mend, because it’s still ripped to pieces as its sits in the cavity of my chest.  For as I said, it wasn’t what he said, but how it was said. My separations were always to allow someone else to endure happiness … To allow others to enjoy their vices…I never wanted to be the one to change someone, or stand in the way of their dreams, however selfish they were.  With my daughter in the past, it was allowing her to grow. If I am guilty of anything, it is understanding love. These people who I loved dearly, for their happiness, I sacrificed my own. It’s what I do. What I’ve always done. And God was always with me every step of the way. Just as he would give me the strength to stay, He would give me strength to leave. And I’m not condoning divorce. Or giving up on relationships. But if their your Isaacs, and there are no rams on the forefront, then you must let them go.  And so, in consulting God, whatever ended in my life was always amicable and mutual.  I think my pain from the incident with my son-in-law was more because I allowed myself to love a person, again, so self-centered, that his regard for me meant nothing, if only to satisfy his own agenda, to whatever degree, even if it was at my expense. Genocide. Mother-in-lawocide…Call it what you may. It was a ploy to be the object, and only object of my daughter’s attention without distraction or interference from anyone. The less he saw of me, the better. So, the pain was real. When I realized the similarities in the two situations… people getting rid of people, or abusing people to satisfy their own insecurities, I cried. Cried for my people, basically because I knew, oh too well, the personality of people like this. It would take an act of God to turn this all around as well as remove the pain.

Even though, my mission in life was always to unselfishly raise my daughter and teach her as I always said, “ to fly, just in case I wasn’t around to assist her”, in my son-in-law’s eyes, regardless of my actions, he refused to see it, in the light I was presenting. A mother continuing to no longer teach but help encourage her daughter to better understand her new role and become an even more amazing woman as a proverbial wife. But this too, I get.  I was already prepared. I knew all too well the scripture of how children were to leave their parents and become one as husband and wife (Matthew 19:5). So much so, that the tears I should have cried the day he ripped my heart out from my chest, and memories of my daughter flashed before my eyes, I’d already cried, one year prior. A demon, which brought sadness and anger all in one setting, only because somehow, I knew this would be the ultimate outcome. I also felt his apprehensions. How the calls to me, by my daughter sickened him. Her constant inclusions of me in their life sickened him. Mom this! Mom that! But I also knew my daughter. I knew our bond. And as a mother, knew at some point I would have to take a step back and let her fly solo as I once did before, several years prior. For though my daughter is amazing, all her fathers and I knew, to become more amazing, this was necessary. The day the reality of the revelation came to pass, God allowed her to be near. I looked up to the heavens, with tears in my eyes, choking on my words, and cried, “Why is it, I always have to let go of my child?” Lord why? But I already knew the answer to my questions. God knew it was what was needed to allow her to grow. Just as I leaned on him the first time, with tears in my eyes, I gave it to God.

I believe in my heart, my curiosity and cry for understanding ordered my path in fulfilling my quest to understand. The adage, “be careful of what you pray for”, is my takeaway. God hears us more than we know. And in doing so, will orchestrate our life to giving us, as I will say again, that “Aha” moment of clarity. So, in using a particular situation in my own life which had peculiarly heightened at the climax of all this racial propaganda, God allowed me to feel the pain. Pain so excruciating, I could not fathom ever seeing this person again without the pain and animosity for them being written all over my face. And if that were not enough, in order to really understand the magnitude of my pain, I seemed to keep using Trump as a simile of the character of the person I suddenly loathed. The one person in the world, who rubbed me so wrong, I cringed at the thought of him. Not that I was any better, but at any rate watched as little news as possible just to avoid hearing his squirrelly little voice.  When the two began to intertwine, I knew this was serious. So serious I was fearful for my Christian walk. I could not imagine ever forgiving this person, let alone looking at him. But I knew there were other people involved who I did love immensely so something had to be done. And I began remembering the magnitude of my God. And so, commenced praying and praising him. And saying over and over again, He was bigger than any pain I could ever endure. And I thanked Him in advance for putting love in my heart for this person. And forgiveness in my heart. And slowly as time progressed, found a way to allow myself to forgive and move on.

I wish there were something…, someone connected to these incredulous events that would allow my people to be forced to override their pain. Something which forces them to choose forgiveness rather than hatred. Then I thought of this powerful video I viewed on YouTube of 3 men in Charlotte voicing their frustration in the midst of protestors standing by. They were three generations and toward the end, the older man turns to the younger guy and says basically, don’t be the guy committing the violence. Find a better way to put a stop to all this madness because “This right here”, ain’t the way… Being amidst protest turned to violent rioting is not how the issues will ever be resolved.  I suppose between our love for God and our children, this can be the force to drive us. We must be an example and not choose to hate or behave ignorantly towards others as difficult as it may seem. If we teach our children to hate, and loot and act like, my grandmothers would say, “ like we ain’t got a pot to piss in” , then we are no better than those who believe ignorantly, or behave callously toward others just to fulfill their own agenda. What would this world be like if everyone felt threatened? Picture that!  It would never end.

There will always be someone who may feel threatened by our existence. It’s just the way of the world. We don’t all hold characteristics which project strength to that degree. As a matter of fact, part of what allowed me to move on was actually realizing this person needed help. If I didn’t know myself as I do, it would sound as though I felt I had a leg up on them.  It being ironic since they were thinking it the other way around. And yes, I know the result of my pain did not end my life, even though, in a manner of speaking, it did change it dramatically. Or that the tragedies which took place recently, and over the years could ever compare. I get it. But pain, regardless of the magnitude…. is pain. It hurts. Whether it’s a loved one whom you trust, or a stranger. Whether they were of your same nationality… or not… doesn’t matter. A stab to the back bleeds no matter who’s holding the knife… The hand who holds the knife is not the problem. Find the root, solve the issue. Right? Recognize the person needs help. And solve the issue… And maybe it is all relative, but I believe whatever it is, we have to remember our foundation. The helm of it all which has always enabled us as people of color to overcome, and that is the foundation of our faith and God. If we give them the power to take our faith… What do we have? Our God is bigger and powerful enough to remove the pain and bring us out in a better position than when we began. That person who hurt me may very well believe they have won, but I know my God. And I know despite my pain I am blessed. I sorely feel, though we are enduring this pain now, this will all turn around for our good. We will be stronger and better and assuredly more blessed than we ever have as a people. As God is my witness…. It is time….

 

 

CWB

 

     

    Childlike…

    Childlike…

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    As a child, we enter the world innocent and pure.  The initial months are simple.  The images we see are clouded; there is no room for judgement. Our cries are our only form of communication…

     

    As we grow and become toddlers, our personalities emerge. Our eyes develop. And our environment, at present, suddenly, is no longer as it was in the past…simple. We have begun to realize, there are rules to be followed, and a time and place for everything, that is anything. “A time for every activity (Ecclesiastes 3:1)”, we no longer can call our own. Our cries not only are signals, when we are wet or hungry, but now, an indication of our frustration. Moments of anxiety, sporadically weld inside, when we feel out of sync with our reality. Finding our way back to that happy place of tranquility is our only mission; one we rally to succeed.  What once was simple, is now complicated, and susceptible to an array of manipulation on our part, as we try our caretakers. We desperately maneuver our way back to that feeling of comprehensible normalcy in our little minds. Our controlled safe haven ruled by none. Though, if it feels now, our happy moments are lost, they are not. We soon realize, if nurtured in the right environment, and not taken capture by the influences which surround us, there is always hope.  Our lives can remain simple, and our minds and hearts as pure as the day we were born… So long as we think on things which are good and worthy of praise…  which are true …honest…just…pure, and lovely (Philippians 4:8). As adults, our thoughts and the love for God can be the catalyst which stiffens the rebellious nature, and allow us to return back to our childlike nature where we  enjoyed the simple life , and was obedient to those over us… first and foremost… God.

     

    Jesus was once asked, among those you have chosen, who would be held in high regard. He then looked towards a child and explained, the only way to enter the kingdom is to change our ways and become childlike again (Matthew 18:3). How ironic, when as children, we are groomed to be adults; only to be told by Jesus to return to our youthful nature when we arrive. But, be that as it may, as children, we are, happiest. We are not damaged by that which surrounds us. We have no experience in the things such as pain and sorrow, for the most part. We have no responsibility, and to some degree no accountability, so therefore no stress. And more times than not, we take heed to that which are of no virtue. We have more time to love, laugh and truly enjoy life… a typical life. We have no shame as we run from room to room in our nakedness…  We have no judgement when we see others in full array. A child sees through his heart of love and life, while an adult sees through his eyes of disdain, err and envy. A grungy homeless person to a baby is simply a person. He only becomes grungy and homeless when we begin to see with our eyes and not our heart. As Jesus once explained to his disciples, there is a difference in those who see and those who are no longer able. Our hearts over time harden, which then causes us not to see what matters. But not only are we unable to see, but unable to hear (Matthew 13: 14-15). Our filters focus so much on that which is not valuable, we forget that which is…, “The Word of God”.

     

    When a child strays, parents gear up in crisis mode pondering ways in which to reach their children. God, in the same instance, I suppose, does the same. I could imagine Him wondering, if I taught you the right way to go and you were at your happiest then, why on earth would you seek an alternative, and contend with being unhappy now. Like when a child is taught the stove is hot, so do not touch. As children, we eventually learn, if obedient…, not to touch.  As adults, we might not go as far as touching a hot stove… because, no doubt we know we will get burned… But, what about the other temptations we encounter…, where is the obedience those instances?  The repercussions are not as grave as being burned. Or so we convince ourselves. Unfortunately, this leant way of thinking can easily be applied to every temptation we face, from addictions to unfaithfulness, to our lack of integrity, or love of money. The list goes on. So many vices, and so little virtue. The “me” syndrome.  Rather than put God first, we promote our flesh with what makes us feel better.  He sits back and watches, wondering when we will turn from our wicked ways (2 Chronicles 7:14). As we flounder to and fro in the wilderness, when will enough be enough to abandon that which hinders our best life…Satan is the great promoter of our flesh. But we must love ourselves enough not to give in to what makes us feel good, but to what is best for us in the long run. We must love ourselves, as much as God loves us. We must be the parent to our souls.

     

    God has shown us so many testimonies of His goodness in others. And I am sure for these people, it was not easy to abide by His law. To live and walk like Jesus. I believe every day was a struggle because they are human. And so, every day they called on Jesus for strength. And they did it out of love for God, knowing He loved them enough to help them work through every challenge, so they could be their very best self. If we take a step back, and rather than envy those who have captured the Grace of God (wondering to ourselves, why them and not me), we must take heed to the evidence seen…, for we could acquire the same grace. “…[L]et us throw off every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with endurance the race set out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross (Hebrews 12:1).” Let us for once experience the abundant life promised us by our Heavenly Father. The happier life we once knew as a child, despite the rules. Would it not be worth our weight in gold to stand firm in the word, and not touch the hot stove as we were taught. To abide by the rules. To barter temptation, for peace and happiness, rather than the confusion and pain we normally find ourselves waging. Must our privileges (God’s grace) be taken away, for us to  wake up and see the light… so we find ourselves exposed to the raw and cruel reality of being abandoned and alone with no means to support our flesh and no grace to help our souls… Backed in a corner where we have no choice but to reflect on our life and what it has become. Till we are so downtrodden, we have no choice but to come to our senses and remember when life was good. When, even with the expectation of obeying our fathers, life was good. With the curfews…, life was good. Where it was a life simple and pure and childlike…, but good.

     

    CWB

     

      Love Honor and Respect

      Love Honor and Respect

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      Love is a gift from God. The most treasured gift ever. In 1 Corinthians, it says, of all the gifts, Love is the greatest gift. The love we have for our family is an experience worth living. Even in the worst of times, when we aren’t very loving toward one another, there is no other, like the love of family. Our hearts, filled with lingering memories, for each one of them…, tucked away…., in safe keeping. A little miniature home, which reminds us we are relative to each other.

       

      But what happens when that feeling becomes questionable?  When we feel unloved…, abandoned even, and the love we once knew, feels as though it has been swallowed by some unforgiving darkness. Where any external glimmer we might have is shadowed by clouds of despair and distrust. Where hope for a stable relationship is gone and the only hope, we have stems from the never-ending unconditional love of God. If we are not careful, despite our faith and the expectations of our Father fixing whatever is needed to repair, the vision of how this came to be, can fill our minds with utter chaos and confusion.

       

      The prospects of being unappreciated and loosing that which is familiar is overwhelming. As strong as our faith may be, the lingering sense of betrayal is trying.   The moments we once cherished are painted over in rays of pain, hopelessness, and bewilderment.  No matter, be it the love of a parent, sibling, child, or spouse the struggle is real. It is unfortunate though, when the trouble rest between a man and a woman, for some, it is much easier to relinquish, than say, that of a blood relative. It goes without saying, for they are our blood. And although, in that respect, however apparent, it still would never right the wrong felt in our hearts.

       

      We always want our significant others to stand with us through thick and thin, despite the lack of bloodline.  After all, that is what being committed is all about between a man and a woman. It is two strangers committed to becoming one, regardless.  Never treating the other as though they only matter in a contractual sense…abiding by all their demands. Or, never resting on preconceived expectations, as we burden our loved ones with guilt.  Never even, using our hopes and lifelong dreams as an excuse to be uncompromising and distant. And most of all, it is never betraying the other’s trust. But for many of us these situations occur, and we must be strong. It is in times like these God, our father, his Son, and the Holy spirit can become a relative example and force of strength to overcome it all, whatever the circumstance.

       

      God’s teachings stress love. His greatest commandment is first to love Him with all our heart, soul and mind (Matthew 22:37). But the second greatest, Jesus teaches, is to love our neighbor as ourselves. None of which are truly relative to us, yet warrant the same love, respect and honor as if they were related. And maybe the reason relationships go astray and lack the tenacity to endure difficult circumstances is because if we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, and we don’t love ourselves, or even know how to love, because we were never shown love when we were younger… then any love would be lost to start.  On the flip side, we cannot seek from others, what we, ourselves fail to give them. Sometimes when a person doesn’t show love, it’s because they are broken. But if God positioned us in this circumstance, it is up to us to act upon his greatest instruction and persevere. I Corinthians 13:7 reads love always protects, always trust, always hopes, and always perseveres. If this is our burden to bear, then so it is until we are released from our calling. God gives us the strength to endure. For all those who are heavy laden, “ May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:5-6 If it’s love … true love…, then there should be nothing which stands between you and the relationship. Just as strong the love for a relative, so should be the true love of your significant other….

       

       

      Love, like a seal over our heart which cannot be removed, anchored and stronger than death… The belonging, the passion which burns like fire…. So much so it can not be put out with water, not even if swept away in the deepest river… It can’t even be given away for a price… for it is priceless (Song of Songs 8: 6-7)

       

       

      CWB

        The known versus the unknown- “I will not be moved”

        The known versus the unknown- “I will not be moved”

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        When we don’t understand, or have control over certain issues in our life, the depravity lends itself to our innermost being and compels us to display some of our not so better qualities. Babies, out of frustration, resort to tantrums. And adults…, well, we do the same, but on a larger scale. Sort of like the, “Tantrums 102 – Heated discussions” class, where we, unabashedly speak our mind. A study in the human capacity to learn the unhealthy lesson of the stealthy art of debate, mastered and unfortunately, second nature to many, when the need arises. The prayer, ” God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference”, would be so useful if we all put it to use.

        One tries so hard to except people for their bad side and good. I know I do, since often times I’m preaching to give people the benefit of the doubt. Though, as God, being my teacher, and me, being imperfect, He always shows me areas in my journey where I can step up and be an even better woman. I find me asking myself, why I am so moved by one person’s actions and not the other. And if the reason I am moved is because of what they have done, or how they have behaved, then why am I unmoved by people who behave in the same manner… My mantra to consider people’s experiences of the past, due to it likely explaining their misbehavior in the present is what saves me from many a frustrating moment. The belief guards my heart and keeps me unfrazzled, and unharmed. In Proverbs 4:23, it says your heart reflects who you are as a person.  So, when the heart of the donor is not so pure, or the situation is so ridiculously malign to the point where I am bewildered, I find, my “frazzled” steps in and my “harm” is not too far behind. For here is where my religion is lost, and I become very frustrated. I would like to say in both situations, I am not scared. But I cannot. To different degrees, it all lingers. And it’s not so much because of the unforgiveness on my part, as it is the thought… The instant replay in my head of the situation. The feeling of the emotion experienced. Or simply, seeing a particular something, or someone which resembles the heartless and unbelievable moment when my world and how I view that someone, or something all change. I understand when people say I can forgive, but not forget. And yes, the devil has his own art of assisting the replay to formulate in our minds, but thankfully when we forgive, it inhibits our actions of belligerency and turns us toward being merciful.

        Of course, later, we find ourselves coming to terms with our feelings, which is great. But what about the in between. What we do with those feelings until we get to that point?  Again, what we cannot control, or understand brings out our not so best qualities. I know of one situation in my life, where at the beginning, because of my lack of understanding, I was belligerent. But later, as I grew to understand the situation, as well as, the person involved, I became more tolerant. So, it is much easier to save face when you know before hand what you are stepping into. It’s manageable, despite the lingering, unresolved uneasiness of the situation. It’s the new stuff… the unknown which ruffles my feathers to no avail. For the known, I can quite myself, but the unknown, like a baby, I’m in tantrum mode and become very opinionated, trying to understand the situation. Making sense of the madness, sought to speak. Like children…, not being able to articulate, or fathom a resolution for our circumstances gives way to chaotic behavior…

        My grandmother instilling in me at an early age, her enormous love for me, and the power of faith, diminished many of my struggles and frustrations where they were not as momentous as they could have been. As she rests in peace, it is my heavenly Father who continues to teach me the importance of impartiality and love. Showing me the err of my ways, I continue to strive to be a better person in all situations. I understand, more so now, what it is to turn the other cheek. To endure pain inflicted upon me by others and not be moved. To continue in battle. As long as I know God has my back, I don’t believe there is anything anyone can say, or do anymore that will move me from my frame of mind of being at peace. When I do encounter situations which I do not understand, I call on the holy spirit to guide me, while all along, constantly reciting Proverbs 91: 1-2, “ he who dwells in the secret place of the most high, shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God in Him I will Trust.”.  I ask forgiveness for any wrong which I may have unknowingly inflicted on others and stay in peace. I’ve not quite unlearned all that I mastered in “Tantrums 102 – Heated discussions”, but day by day that number (if referenced to the degree of intensity of my discussions regarding uncontrollable situations), has greatly diminished and I give God all the glory…

        CWB

          God is your Biggest Fan – Don’t give up!

          God is your Biggest Fan – Don’t give up!

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          It brings tears to my eyes when I think of the times God has encouraged me through others… Days when I felt weightless and frazzled, as though the rug had been swept from under my feet. When I didn’t know whether I was coming or going.  Or, whether to sit down, or stand up.  Like an entree of breakfast chops and scrambled eggs, struggling to comprehend the time of day.  Feelings of no direction, yet always moving towards something. Never sure if the something I was headed toward, was the something which was divinely orchestrated.  Nevertheless, God always found a way to communicate to me along the way, all was good… Giving me insight and encouragement, He would gently whisper, “Keep going…You Got This”.

           

          God is so awesome. A well-known fact shared whole heartedly throughout, I’m sure.  On my worse days, He can alleviate the greatest sufferings and infuse it with a sense of peace. If this were an ode, it would be a passionate, fervent ode to my God. For my heart cries and sings simultaneously as I reminisce of His goodness in my life. My mind, in awe, is mystified by the way He touches my life. Have you ever been in love? It is this kind of love which is the feeling I have when I think of Him. The love you cannot live without, even on your busiest of days. It’s the kind of love, no matter what the case may be, you can never be angry with the other. You always find your way back to that feeling, that love, which thankfully never goes away. In Romans 8: 38:39, Paul writes, “ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God.” Once you have experienced His presence and have acknowledged Him as your God, and expressed to Him your love for Him and His children, there is no turning back. If like Paul and many believers, you raised your hands to the sky asking for forgiveness and mercy, and then praised Him for giving you peace which surpasses all understanding… And if like Paul, and many believers you did this on a daily basis, every chance you could get…. There isn’t anything, anyone, or any circumstance that will be able to take that fervent Love away you have for your God.

           

          When talking with my Mom on the phone, we snicker like little girls, as we tell our stories of triumph, witnessing God’s influence and hand on our life.  Just like David in 1 Chronicles 16:9 when he was overwhelmed with the goodness of the Lord, exalting, “Sing to Him, sing his praise; tell of His wonderful acts”.…….When you begin to witness his goodness, you can’t help but rejoice and sing praise to His name. He helps us along in the most mundane of ways. One of the amazing gifts given to us is to know He is here encouraging us, cheering us on, teaching us the fundamentals of life, as He knows it. Just as earthly fathers teach their children, He too teaches us daily.  It is disheartening though, to see those of us who do not realize how close God’s hand is to their own. If they’d only reach out and take His hand, they too would see and feel his amazing love for us. Just last week, I was trying to decide on which day to mow the lawn.  And suddenly, a vague shimmer of thought and encouragement evaded my mind which suggested I mow it on Tuesday, even though I really wanted to mow it on Wednesday, since the forecast didn’t call for rain until Thursday. Not fully confident who it was, or what it was nudging me along, I conceded it was the Lord’s doing and asked Him to help me to be obedient. The following day after I had mowed the lawn, as I pulled up to the driveway to get the mail, sun shining … not a cloud in the sky… I said see Lord, could have mowed the lawn today anyway. And thought, maybe it wasn’t You after all nudging me along.   And since He was giving me lessons on knowing his voice, I decided to chalk this one up to, not, being his voice, at this time. But then 20 minutes later, around the time I would have been heading out to do the lawn, what do you know… I looked out the window and what did I see, but little droplets of rain falling on the deck… I had to take a second look and wipe my eyes a bit, until it was plain to see it had started to rain. I was tickled pink….

           

          He speaks to me through the sermons of my Pastor. He speaks to me and through me in my writing. I see Him in messages inscribed on bulletin boards, tags of cars when driving, or pamphlets I read when given the opportunity. So many signs. No one could ever imagine how grateful I am for my life and the encouragement I receive from God. Whether it is for the purpose He has given me, or the mundane activities of my life, He gives me encouragement each and every day.  Through all the trials and tribulations, I would not change any of it for all the world. For my Father has taught me so much about love, fear, and trust. He truly has made me and molded me in His image. And His encouragement tells me, I am his biggest fan.

            What can you do for me?

            What can you do for me?

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            This piece is another of those written where I felt was going in so many directions, I had to take a step back for fear of losing its purpose.  I believe it’s delay worked in my favor, for many of the conversations and activities participated, tied everything together, in one pretty bow.

            Last month, I had the pleasure to share with my family, one of many accomplishments my daughter has successfully achieved in her life.   On this occasion it was acquiring her Masters.  I first give glory to God for watching over her and instilling in her the ability to focus and stay focused while also experiencing the challenges of life.  Understanding now, focus is one of the key ingredients to successfully accomplishing our goals, I have adopted this concept as my mantra, of sought. God created such a strong young woman of whom I am so proud to call my daughter. There were times, though, I was afraid she was focused to a fault. But, because, like her mother, she always stepped back to evaluate her circumstances, concentrating on her intent and actions, I never really have to worry about her character, or her soul for that matter.

            All of us, in our journey in life, run the risk of falling short. We learn as we go and grow to be better people.  We may do, or, and say hurtful things to others…. Unconscionable things even, which would be seen as unforgiving. Or perhaps, we may conjure thoughts…, preconceived notions of each other’s intent, which later we find to be wrong, or just not justifiable enough to condemn. But if with God’s grace and our learned lessons (which award grace and to and by others), we then take these lessons learned, and rejoice, knowing no one is expected to get everything right, it is a beautiful freeing experience.  For with acceptance of our faults, we find within ourselves and others, value, and the gracious mercies of God for which we can be grateful.

            There are many who strive for success and stop at nothing to achieve what they set out to accomplish.  I’ve heard people say, any association with anyone, other than those who serve a purpose in their life is pointless. Basically, if you can’t support me by way of assisting , contributing, making a mark in helping me, or inciting me to achieve my goals, or higher potential…, if you have no resources which are of value to me, then you are not a necessity in my  life. This of course, is not to be misunderstood with those people in our life, whose only goal, in their own life, is to self-destruct and bring everyone down along with them.  I get it! It’s obvious they are detrimental to our well-being, and we should have the right to choose whether, or not, we should associate with them (unless of course our own mission and purpose is to actually help them). But if while protecting our best interest, we in turn ban people in our life, those who love us and support us in their own crazy way, then what are we doing?  People such as our family, who we should have no choice, but to love. Or our spouses, who we have promised to love for better or worse. It is these people we should hold on to, through thick and thin, despite our twisted notions of them when they get on our nerves.  I mean, isn’t this the purpose of having quirky inconsistencies in our life? If you can’t survive the world according to your family, let me tell you, your chance of surviving the real world according to society are slim to none.

            Our purpose should never be more important than the gift of family.  An unconditional love which is so precious and gives us the strength to go the extra mile is not something that should be taken for granted.  We are here to serve each other.  To associate our loved ones to materialistic opportunities is shameful.  As it would, in any association, to anyone, for that matter.  For this would display signs of a society gone wrong.  Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. could not have explained it better when he described how materialism was one of three pitfalls to society. The more we produce, the more we want, which then jeopardies our moral compass to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. With family being the core of our pursuit in life, material advancement should not be center stage. The adrenaline to produce and succeed reveals the junky in us which is difficult to shake. It is as if we never become satisfied with what we have, or where we are, or where we are going in life.  There is no end in what we do, or, how we do it, or who we push aside in order to achieve our goals, while all at the expense of others. There is this perpetual drive to have more. Do more.  To be better than the next person.  If a member of our family is a drug dealer, or a user of such, are we going to disown them because we have no use for him? I know, I know…. many people who do drugs or tend to deal with things of that nature are destructible, in their own right. Untrustworthy even. So maybe this is a bad analogy. I suppose, like Jesus when he was praying for the sick, if your presence conflicts with my mission, then I just as well rather you not be present. But perhaps, better illustrated, if someone close to us were illiterate, would we push them away because they serve no purpose? Or, if they were poor, and, or had no direction in life, would we then shut them out? Even those relationships of an estranged nature, in the end, bear some value if we take the time to repair the rift. What it boils down to is when our selected agendas for the lives of certain people in our life, do not live up to our expectations and they are unable to support the agenda we have selected for them, should we then push them away? If it was, would it not come at a cost of evaluating the people in our lives as steppingstones, or future opportunities for increase…What does this say for our character and the well-being of our soul? Minorities of all kinds have been steppingstones, politically, economically, and socially for forever. But of course, that is another subject all on its own, and one which has proven to be immoral, but, nevertheless still relevant, and very much similar in this respect. Any measure of someone’s worth by a handicap or set back of any nature, whether it be financially, educationally, or social lack thereof, warrants re-evaluation of the direction our soul teeters. If back in 1967, Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. blamed it on scientific power as being the reaper of our souls, what is our excuse today, but that of a continuing saga of our yesterday? In Philippians 2: 3-4, it says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of the others”.   How different this world would have evolved if we would have lived by this concept. There would be no disparity in regard to society because there would be no measure. There would only be love and acceptance of ourselves and that of others regardless of faults or handicaps. There would be no ridicule, no comparison, no distinction. Just love. And it would be about what we can do for each other, so that we can ALL live pursuing our life, liberties, and happiness together, in harmony, just as Jesus exemplified in his own life.

             

             

            CWB

             

               

              Are You trustworthy?

              Are You trustworthy?

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              Trust is crucial in a relationship. If there is no trust, the most crucial segment which holds a relationship together is impaired. Like a foundation, if the soil, exemplifying the participating members in the relationships mental and emotional capacity to bind, is not solid, it can easily be violated and fall apart. Whether the brokenness is due to a lack of knowledge of the participating party, or too much thereof.  Or whether it is due to a past, or a multitude of events which led to an experience of great pain, regardless, it can cause considerable damage and be very difficult to repair. Worst of all, when the motive to trust is only for personal gain, then the trust suddenly turns into a masquerade of selfish endeavors, and one can then, only concede, it isn’t trustworthy at all.

              Trust, defined as placing one’s confidence. To believe, that someone, or something, will be, or do, who, or what they say they will be or do.  If you’ve ever experienced a broken trust in someone, you know, it is difficult to regain. And if, given the opportunity, the person seeking the trust would constantly find themselves conducting a multitude of test before ever giving in, for fear of being hurt again. The parties are suddenly strangers and the elephant in the room is bigger than ever. Quite possibly could be the reason for the extensive trial and tribulations set before us. God would not trust us with that which is so precious to Him, if he were not certain we were in it for the right reasons.  Being committed is second in command to trust, and both are needed to stand the test of time.

              God knows we are imperfect people. So as a safety net, he teaches us to trust him, and only him. All pain is easily avoided, when we set our eyes on Him. When we place our trust in Him, suddenly the pain and sufferings are no more. His love, coupled with our trust in Him, yields a shield of protection, which depending on the foundation, cannot be moved. If for all the right reasons you find yourself in this place, consider yourself blessed. If the reason you trust in him, is because you know without a shadow of a doubt, he loves you, and he will always be there for you…And because of this you are forever grateful for this merciful Love…. Then because of His unconditional love, your worries will be no more. And he in turn will entrust you to be a conduit for his love, mercy, and generosity, unconditionally helping others as He helped us. It is this remarkable milestone in life, solely trusting God, and God trusting us, that makes life truly worth living. Beyond any human experience.

              It took a lot for me to fully trust God. It is my greatest and most treasured accomplishment, aside from bearing my child. It gives me the freedom to soar. It gives me the confidence to know and feel, I am somebody and that someone loves me enough to supply all my needs. He takes my fear away. He heals me by the blood of his only son, and through His Spirit, I am free. He loves me unconditionally and forgives me, even in my worst moments. He makes me a better person and is always there when I need Him. He is my father and now my most trusted friend for life.

               

              CWB

                 

                 

                 

                Love….

                Love….

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                The Love of God…, an amazing feeling, which if believed, can move …unsurmountable mountains. Heal… the most wounded of hearts. And encourage and guide, those of us who are lost and disenchanted by the afflictions of life. With this love, amazing feats can be accomplished. But more so, with this love, if instilled in the lives of two people who care deeply for one another, can teach them, there is nothing more precious than the love they share for each other. And when given, on top of these teachings, the amazing gift of insight from the Holy spirit, if receptive, the spirit will always be there to help and guide them, if they are not hardened by the intrusion, but rather embraced by what it truly is… a gift of love.

                I watch the love relationships within my family, where they involve the love of a man and a woman. So many obstacles, and mountains we encounter when we agree to come as one. Even if ordained by God, life still floors us with the unexpected… The unwanted. Many times, looking as though it is the end… Having us wonder what we have done, where we went wrong, and how it can be fixed.  And though we attempt to heed the warnings, speculating the union between a man and a woman is no bed of roses, ironically it is not what we anticipate going in to the union, because we recall the love initially shared and felt by us both.  Innocently forgetting, though we have been bought together as one, to live in one accord; we are still at the end of the day… individuals. Individuals with very different personalities, upbringings, and mindsets. But if we truly come to one accord as in Philippians 2:1-30 , “ …[with] encouragement [from] Christ, … comfort from love, … participation in the Spirit, …affection and sympathy, [we can be] complete[d] [with the ]… joy [of] … being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. [If we] [d]o nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than [ourselves]. [If we] … look not only to [our] own interests, but also to the interests of others [, we may] [h]ave this mind among [each other], which is [ours] in Christ Jesus, [uninhibited and in one accord] …

                 

                And so, never underestimate the love of God and how the spirit of our Lord Jesus can work in our lives. I continue to profess every day, if those that never knew him only knew what I have come to realize and experience in abiding in the shelter of His Most High, they would latch on to him and never let go.  He will indeed test your endurance.  But I believe He feels if you can walk through the fire and not give up, you can get through anything and not turn around for the journey will get easier and be more profound. Meaning if you thought you were in love at the beginning, just wait to see what you feel after you have been through some things which were beyond your control and you survived. You stood your ground, did not whimper, or run away, but prayed and hid in the shadows of the Almighty, putting your trust in him because he is your God (Psalm 91).  Embrace Life…. Embrace Love …. Challenge that which comes against you, with the many gifts God’s grace and the Holy Spirit provides you with so that ultimate gift, the gift of love will abound.

                CWB

                  Peaceful Ideologies

                  Peaceful Ideologies

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                  It is so easy to get caught up in the moment and become angry with someone when they have slighted or served us an injustice. Our emotions are flaring to and fro and the last thing we want to be is agreeable. But, as we all know, this type of energy…, harboring angry thoughts and contemplating vindictive actions, can be damaging to our spirit. If, in the midst of our turmoil, something miraculously propels us back and compels us to take a look at our actions, while simultaneously being dealt a handful of wisdom, we would rethink and alter those actions to save peace. For to avoid or mend the brokenness from adverse circumstances, it would behoove us, as said in Ephesians 4: 2-3, to “be completely humble and gentle; … patient, bearing with one another in love…[m]ak[ing] every [possible] effort… [in] keep[ing] the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Some would say this would be very easy if the people we dealt with weren’t so unreasonable. Or if the actions which were taken against us were not so horrific. If we could find it in our heart to forgive them.  Or even, when being accountable, if we did not always want to be right and prove our point. But if we trusted our God to help us in all other circumstances, we should trust that if we make every effort to be cordial and not antagonistic towards the other person, He would make the effort to allow us to bear the injustice inflicted upon us, thereby rewarding us with peace beyond understanding.   “[Our]flesh and [our]heart may fail [in doing what is right by God], but God is the strength of [our] heart and [our] portion forever (Psalm 73:26).” “[We]…can do all things in Christ who strengthens [us] (Philippians 4:13).”

                  This week God has led me on an amazing journey full of discoveries and Aha moments. Watching YouTube and listening to many prominent speakers, I found the ultimate search for many of us was the search for self-purpose and inner peace. When we realize our inner strength and rise above our self we find peace even though at times our ego, or flesh make it very difficult to do so.  It is not always easy to turn the other cheek. We want to be right, or prove they were wrong, depending on the circumstance. We want to set the record straight.  Correct the person who has wronged us. Basically, convict them and teach them a lesson. But God wants us to turn it over to him. We are not the judge of those who hurt us. As I always say, we do not know how this person came to be the person they were when they wronged us. Only God knows. Therefore, for us to judge someone whose story we do not fully know or understand would be wrong. For all we know their injustice could very well have been the product of an injustice inflicted towards them.  We have all sinned or wronged someone in some capacity at some point in our life. Would any of us be worthy to cast stone at any of our trespassers? I think not. So then, because we are weak in all capacities, our flesh being the major culprit, we go to God and we ask for strength to step away from circumstances which urge us to retaliate against one another. In 1 Peter2:12, it reads “Keep your conduct among the gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God…” So just as we hope for peace in our own lives we must hope that those we come up against will also find the peace which they so obviously lack. And the only way to convey that peaceful way of life is to walk the path Jesus walked and be an example. Be the bigger person. And yes, being the bigger person can be overrated. You may find yourself in the same predicament time and time again. But if the one time you decide your situation is so unfair you cannot bear the injustice, is the one time your opposer is open to receive and account for his actions, and you have failed him, your opposer, you have also failed God.  For in Matthew 25:45 Jesus assures us, “…inasmuch as [we do] not do …. [for] the least of[them], [we do] not do it [for Him].” And this will be our judgement to bear from someone much higher than ourselves.

                  Let’s remember peace as a gift as Jesus proclaims in John 14:27. A gift which covers and protects our hearts and mind. That, if thoughts and actions are focused on Him…, our God, rather than our circumstance, He will give to us peace because we trust Him to make it right (Isaiah 26;3). A tranquil moment in time which surpasses understanding and guards our heart and mind despite the circumstances (Philippians 4:7). An aura which implores our inner being to be patient in spirit rather than proud (Ecclesiastes 7:8). Avoiding the notion to prove ourselves right, at the expense of proving others wrong. Let us practice the art of mercy as our Father has practiced upon us so that others will come to know the love of our Father. So they too can be changed to finally know him and then go out into the world to be an example to others who were once like us and did not know.

                  CWB

                    Threshing Results Peace

                    Threshing Results Peace

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                    On the drive in to work Monday morning, I experienced an amazing sense of peace. Clarity so profound it was surreal. As I glared through the windows, I wondered with disbelief if someone had washed the windows of my car. There was a gentleness about the moment. A sense of peace illuminating the air. It was as if I had reached the mark of a new dawn. There were no worries, just an overwhelming feeling of confidence and peace for the future. I felt, regardless of the outcome of my current circumstances, I was going to be alright. At that moment I felt free… Freer than I’d ever been before. God was saying it was going to be alright…

                    In the last week or so, my life unraveled revealing the many frustrations which held me bound in my past, and present. After taking in, all I had learned of myself and my circumstances this weekend, Monday morning, I was tested in the wee hours of the morning.  God, having knowledge of all the various circumstances which always left me bound and vulnerable, was on a mission to unshackle the untrusting me from my empathetic self.  It started with the feeling of no one acknowledging they loved me and meaning it unconditionally. In the past, these feelings were extinguished as I was thankfully blessed with a daughter in my earlier years who saved me, many times, from the feeling of loneliness and abandonment. Like many women bought up in dysfunctional families, having a child of their own awarded the opportunity for the child to be that person they felt loved them unconditionally. It sometimes allowed them the ability to function without the validation of being a woman when there was no one else in their life, particularly a partner, to stand by their side.  For me, it seemed whenever this feeling of abandonment and loneliness occurred is when my validation as a woman would be challenged. But on this day, I firmly stood ground and said proudly I am who God said I am. Beautifully and wonderfully made, the head and not the tail, and whatever was trying to enter had absolutely no power over who I was as a woman of God. God was my maker; my Shepherd and He would keep me from harm. And suddenly those feelings of inadequacy went away.  For the first time in my life, in regard to this feeling of abandonment, I stood my ground against the lies the devil and his counterparts were attempting to instill in me. And when thinking back to the message received this past Sunday, I realized this tactic was what was used against me my entire life.  Prior to feeling the peace as I drove to work, I preceded to my car knowing I was who God said I was, and this time I believed it.   And so, whether it was this revelation, or the fact of many truths this weekend setting me free, there was an astounding sense of peace this morning … somewhat like the calm after the storm in which I gave God the glory.

                    As the week progressed, and the testing continued I found myself sweeping out everything which held me bound. A process which was similar, as I soon learned, to threshing. Something farmers did to separate the good grain from the grain which wasn’t profitable, or worth retaining. For without the threshing the harvest itself would be worthless, or invaluable. And so, after looking at every aspect of what was being threshed, it all boiled down to my fears. Fears of being alone, and therefore not being validated as a woman. Fear of being mistreated and taken advantage; talked about, ridiculed for not living up to the expectations of others. And lastly…, not fear, but the wisdom to, not only give to God, and forgive the issues which bound me due to other people’s insensitivities which angered me, but also to release them from my spirit, so that I could continue to walk in the light. Something I had not fully mastered, especially when the circumstances were so out there, I would find myself many times scratching my head wondering, “What in the world”.   I was basically sweeping out the dust bunnies. Those stubborn particles which, with every sweep, would 9 times out of 10 sail into the air only to find its way back to the floor where you would just have to catch it, and sweep again. But this week I was determined. For this was not the first time I experienced that sense of peace which surpassed all understanding. But it was the first time God revealed to me the steps I needed to maintain the peace, so that everyday was a peaceful day.

                    I love my God because I know the long road I have travelled and how He has carried me, protected me, and supplied my every need along the way. I know the times I have become so angry with Him, it is shameful. But I know, also, how He has forgiven me and still strives to fulfill my destiny as He desires it to be. I am in awe of His goodness and could sit at His feet, days on end. And would, if given the opportunity.  My life has never been more richly fulfilled then when I seek God and yield to His teachings. All the tragedy’s I would ever experience could not remotely compare to the love I feel from my heavenly Father. I do not always understand His motives, but there’s one thing I do understand, and it is His love for me. It’s constant even when I don’t realize it. And those times I do come to realize, I realize as well, He was there the entire time just waiting for that opportune moment when I suddenly am apt to take that next step in my journey to yield to Him just a little bit more.

                    CWB

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