Matthew 6

First, I just want to give God the glory! I may not have received what I wanted this week, but God be the Glory, he was here with me, every step of the way, holding me up with his righteous right hand.

I started feeling sorry for myself this week. Thursday, I said to myself, ok, if the job fell through, it must not have been what God had planned for me. Deep down inside though, I was still down, but managed, with the grace of God, to pick myself back up, and move on, to other possibilities. The following morning, Friday, as I routinely flipped on my morning worship programs, I heard Joel Osteen say; “Do you trust him with the close doors”? and…, “Stop trying to make sense of it all” … Lord have mercy, if God did not send his disciples to minister to me that morning. All morning long, nothing but tears welding in my eyes. Message, after message sent to heal my woes. Joyce Meyers with her, “But will he do it for me (this being the tip of the iceberg, for I had questioned this only moments ago)?” You see, when I was raising my little girl, many years ago, a voice spoke to me, and said, “I’m only looking out for you now, because of your daughter.” In other words, don’t get comfortable, because there will be a time when I’m not going to look after you, and then what? Will you trust me then? And now, as it echoed in my mind, I questioned God and those words from long ago. Was it God? Was it Satan? Or, was it God giving Satan permission to test me? …  I do not like to be uncomfortable. Who does? …So, I’m like, “God I love you with all my heart, and I am grateful, so please, no more testing”. I used to think to myself with all the ridicule, with all the tribulations I undergo, I must be insane to keep believing, and to keep trusting in Him. But like Job, I keep hanging on, because now especially, I realize, “What would I do without this spirit which lives in me?” This spirit who is my father at times, and my friend in others. He saved me from crashes, both physically, and mentally, which I saw coming! So where would I be if I let go now. I could not, no more than Job could. I used to say, “I don’t care what others are going through.” I know my circumstances aren’t the most traumatic of all. That I’m not living in a third world country. And, yes, my abuse is not one of a physical nature. But it is real. It still exists for me. But still and all, who am I, to ask why! “Who am I?”  It’s crazy, though, because in justification for my circumstances, I can now say I am blessed to be tested because of who he has made me to be. I am blessed to know, and to feel he is in me, when most people do not even realize his power and his ever-present spirit. I called Him, He heard me, and He came … I am blessed!

It’s funny. Looking back in my life, I remember finding myself relating to Job and his circumstances. Though never fully understanding the story, I did know, he found himself in a situation, he didn’t believe he deserved to be. But I can say today, I understand. I know God knows my heart, so he knows how grateful I am for everything he has done. But, as much as we’d like to forget, traumatic experiences, they do not go away. Especially, if they are of those which cannot be explained. So, partnered with the words whispered in my ear many years ago, and my current circumstances, confusion set in, and left me hardened. And I questioned… I questioned my welfare. And I questioned His love. And then I heard Creflo, who was hysterically funny, raise the question, “Who are you?” … “Who are you to question?” After which he sang the spiritual, “No, one knows the trouble I’ve seen,” and brought me to my senses, laughing along the way. I am nobody, except somebody who does not like to be tested. But because he has kept me at bay, meaning, he has given me just enough to stay afloat, I grew weary with the testing. I was never fond of the process anyway, even when I was in school. They made me nervous. So, you want me to trust you… trust me, I’d say! Ask me God, if I’m ready! I’ll tell you … I’m ready (Yeah… I can be a little sassy, which is probably why he thinks … I’m not ready)! But with all this testing, comes vulnerability. Past circumstances which have not fully healed, just show up out the blue. Memories which still have me scratching my head. Like many people, I have a slew of, “What in the world was that?” circumstances. Unfortunately, instead of dismissing the memories, I let it fester, once again. And as confusion set in, I ask the inevitable questions; “Why, … Do you not love me,” “Am I not worthy enough?”, “What have I done wrong?” So, I found myself forgetting everything I stood for, and everything I believed. God loving me, protecting me, feeding me so that no worries would consume me. Remembering how many times he saved my life, because he loved me.

Thank goodness, for at least I can say I don’t feel convicted anymore when things fall through. Lessons on humbleness, I’ve learned, hardcore for the past three years. Again, God is a great teacher. The lessons are tiresome, but he gets you to where you need to be. If you listen, and are open and honest with yourself, you will learn a great many lessons from him. You must go raw though, and be willing to unveil truths about yourself you may not want to admit. As for employment, I work for God now. If he can wash feet, then so can I. Jobs do not define who I am, although it’s still somewhat difficult to swallow, when others ask what I do, especially since now it seems like nothing (I never give myself enough credit). Deep down, I imagine he is pleased. I’ve grown immensely. But again, I give the glory all to him. The voice was right in one respect, though, everything which I received, when I became a single parent, was by His grace. I just misinterpreted the message…the way it was said made me feel as though, “I” did not matter. but I do… “Hmmmm… God is good” … “Thank You” …….

So, the message, and lesson for me was twofold. One, you must continue to love him through the storms of life, and not question his motives, for he is “for us”, not against us, despite what it seems. And two, while you are trusting him in these times, do not worry, for he will make a way. He always does. Pray. Talk with God as you would your friend. Put him first. Give him the Glory, and He will, show up.

Matthew 6: 25-26,33 -34

“Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

CBW