Reinvented

The most interesting compliment someone ever said to me was how good I was at reinventing myself. This person, as my mentor, worked very closely with me as I began accepting more challenging roles in my career. Unfortunately, at the same time, I was also having additional challenges on a more personal level, both physically and mentally. Be it as they were challenges, they felt unlike any other challenge; almost as if they were determined to destroy me. And although my mentor was not aware of the facts, but able to see my outward appearance, I imagine he realized, whatever I was going through, I was handling it with great stride and coming out of it, as it seemed, better than when I had begun. Since then, his words have stuck with me as I had a great deal of respect for him. Little did he know that it wasn’t me reinventing me, but God. Because while encountering all these challenges which I felt were more than enough for me to handle, I was praying, God please help me get through this, or better yet, show me how. And God was there for me, through every challenging experience.  With prayer I believed anything I encountered would be made sustainable with the power of prayer and perseverance. I believed I would shine yet again as this too passed. I persevered and became stronger.

Today, as I look back and remember all what I have been through…, on a personal level. Not so much in regard to relationships, though He had a hand in them as well, as He watched over the decisions I made, or the difficulties I encountered when relating with others. But personally…, me developing as a woman, and as his child. As his faithful, obedient, and confident child. I rediscover, today, my reinventions in myself and think, as so many of us do, where would I be if it were not for his grace that carried me through those difficult times.  The times when the demons were running through my mind trying to scare the bugeebees out of me. The times when I felt everyone was against me. The times when I felt so unattractive because my hair was falling out due to my physical health challenges; through the tears I’d call on God to ask Him to help me comb my hair. Yes, comb my hair! To sustain me for that day so I could look presentable long enough to go to work and hurry back home to my sanctuary. No one truly knew my pains and sufferings… But if it were not for God and He continually instilling the love of self in me, letting me know I would get through with his grace, it could have been me taking my life as I have heard so many others do when they were at their wits end.

God is our refuge and our strength always ready to help in times of trouble [Psalm 46:1]. God is with us every step of the way. My heart goes out to those who are unaware of the effect He can have on their life. I called on Him for my hair! Which is so remarkable to me still, as I look back. I mean He literally gave me ideas of what I needed to do to restore my womanly glory. For many would think it vain, but for my God, He saw that however trivial to some, I was in need of help from Him. And He came simply because I called with mustard seed in tow. For Him, it was the compassion of a parent seeing their child in distress, if not but a simple booboo as we would say, for that child it was devastating. For me, I understand the brutality of going through situations where you could not even imagine it changing. We feel for that moment, our yesterdays are gone, as well as our hope, and we are left with the feeling of nothing… But if we remember to hope in the Lord, and let the holy spirit be our guide, we are able to persevere through anything. David proclaimed he always envisioned the Lord before him, and because of this he was always happy, in good spirits and rejoicing in song (Acts 2:25-26). When you have Jesus always on the forefront, and He sees this He will never cease to amaze you with his wonderful works. It’s like following behind your father as a young child and watching him do amazing feats that you know you could never do in your own strength because you are so small compared to him. And your father so excited that he can show you things. Proud to be the center of your attention, impatiently showing you all he can as he watches you with love, take it all in as you grow in to the amazing person He is well aware you are able to become.  It’s amazing the relationship we can have with our heavenly Father when we let Him in our lives. I am in such awe of his goodness, and constantly saying how awesome He is and has shown Himself to be in my life. The littlest of things He does for me, amazes me, to say the least.

I recently tested whether, or not it was really Him creating these miracles in my life. My fiancée and I were going through some tough times where he had suddenly stopped telling me he loved me. So, during that time I began to, of course, doubt his love for me. Well long story short, miraculously things began to turn around. The relationship was amended, and to top it off, he also began to say, once again, I love you. But this time much more frequently than I was used to receiving. Like every day, which made me think, “Ok…, did he have a conversation with my Mom, and by her suggestion, began this amazing feat, or was this by the hand of God.”  For a good while I just accepted it. It was wonderful to hear. But then I thought, good Lord, if this is just because someone egged him on, and not from his heart, this can’t be good. And then it began to sound really genuine. And yes, it should always be genuine, but you know, some men would rather not say it at all, much less say it with feeling. You may get a mumble every now and then, but it’s always as if they are participating in some ritual extraction. So, I said God, if this is your doing please give me a sign. And guess what happened, the next morning no I love you. I was like a wimpy kitten. And I don’t even like cats…. But I wondered, where’s my I love you, and then I remembered with amusement the question I asked only the day before. I said Ok, Lord, I won’t complain, but please fix it back to the way it was when he was telling me he loved me every day. And lo and behold, the next morning, like music to my ears, the sweet “I love you” resumed as usual.

But my greatest lesson in all this is to never give up. I recently went through another episode of what I would call Life’s most devastating moments and was calling on God everyday asking Him to help me. After so many tries or attempts at what I had preoccupied myself with, I was truly about to give up, when a voice egged me on to try one more time. Little did I know that had I given up I would not have known the next attempt would be the reward. We hear others say it all the time, but we never really experience that ‘Aha” moment, until it has happened to us. I understand how one can give up. And the frustration that would impel someone to give up just before the breakthrough. We think it insane from the outside looking in, but it’s not really. Especially when your fighting with the dark, in the dark, trying to stay encouraged. But now I also know the blessing when we have faith and call on Jesus, or simply give it to Him. The overwhelming unbelievable joy you feel when you can breathe a sigh of relief that you made it through. But not only have you made it through, you put up a fight on purpose. Determined… I’ve had situations where I was so busy, God had to have taken the reigns in order for me to have come through the amazing feats I encountered. And He does, at times. Think of car accidents that were prevented. You don’t even know they’re coming. But He watches over us in all circumstances. But the times when you are in the midst. When you see and feel every wrenching attribute which is determined to make your life a miserable hell. That is when the good fight and its passing is a testimony that will last a life time. You were fighting in the midst of all the chaos and came through. Better than you were when you started. Brand new and reinvented with the help of God, Jesus, and the holy spirit all wrapped up in one.

CWB