Threshing

On the drive in to work Monday morning, I experienced an amazing sense of peace. Clarity so profound it was surreal. As I glared through the windows, I wondered with disbelief if someone had washed the windows of my car. There was a gentleness about the moment. A sense of peace illuminating the air. It was as if I had reached the mark of a new dawn. There were no worries, just an overwhelming feeling of confidence and peace for the future. I felt, regardless of the outcome of my current circumstances, I was going to be alright. At that moment I felt free… Freer than I’d ever been before. God was saying it was going to be alright…

In the last week or so, my life unraveled revealing the many frustrations which held me bound in my past, and present. After taking in, all I had learned of myself and my circumstances this weekend, Monday morning, I was tested in the wee hours of the morning.  God, having knowledge of all the various circumstances which always left me bound and vulnerable, was on a mission to unshackle the untrusting me from my empathetic self.  It started with the feeling of no one acknowledging they loved me and meaning it unconditionally. In the past, these feelings were extinguished as I was thankfully blessed with a daughter in my earlier years who saved me, many times, from the feeling of loneliness and abandonment. Like many women bought up in dysfunctional families, having a child of their own awarded the opportunity for the child to be that person they felt loved them unconditionally. It sometimes allowed them the ability to function without the validation of being a woman when there was no one else in their life, particularly a partner, to stand by their side.  For me, it seemed whenever this feeling of abandonment and loneliness occurred is when my validation as a woman would be challenged. But on this day, I firmly stood ground and said proudly I am who God said I am. Beautifully and wonderfully made, the head and not the tail, and whatever was trying to enter had absolutely no power over who I was as a woman of God. God was my maker; my Shepherd and He would keep me from harm. And suddenly those feelings of inadequacy went away.  For the first time in my life, in regard to this feeling of abandonment, I stood my ground against the lies the devil and his counterparts were attempting to instill in me. And when thinking back to the message received this past Sunday, I realized this tactic was what was used against me my entire life.  Prior to feeling the peace as I drove to work, I preceded to my car knowing I was who God said I was, and this time I believed it.   And so, whether it was this revelation, or the fact of many truths this weekend setting me free, there was an astounding sense of peace this morning … somewhat like the calm after the storm in which I gave God the glory.

As the week progressed, and the testing continued I found myself sweeping out everything which held me bound. A process which was similar, as I soon learned, to threshing. Something farmers did to separate the good grain from the grain which wasn’t profitable, or worth retaining. For without the threshing the harvest itself would be worthless, or invaluable. And so, after looking at every aspect of what was being threshed, it all boiled down to my fears. Fears of being alone, and therefore not being validated as a woman. Fear of being mistreated and taken advantage; talked about, ridiculed for not living up to the expectations of others. And lastly…, not fear, but the wisdom to, not only give to God, and forgive the issues which bound me due to other people’s insensitivities which angered me, but also to release them from my spirit, so that I could continue to walk in the light. Something I had not fully mastered, especially when the circumstances were so out there, I would find myself many times scratching my head wondering, “What in the world”.   I was basically sweeping out the dust bunnies. Those stubborn particles which, with every sweep, would 9 times out of 10 sail into the air only to find its way back to the floor where you would just have to catch it, and sweep again. But this week I was determined. For this was not the first time I experienced that sense of peace which surpassed all understanding. But it was the first time God revealed to me the steps I needed to maintain the peace, so that everyday was a peaceful day.

I love my God because I know the long road I have travelled and how He has carried me, protected me, and supplied my every need along the way. I know the times I have become so angry with Him, it is shameful. But I know, also, how He has forgiven me and still strives to fulfill my destiny as He desires it to be. I am in awe of His goodness and could sit at His feet, days on end. And would, if given the opportunity.  My life has never been more richly fulfilled then when I seek God and yield to His teachings. All the tragedy’s I would ever experience could not remotely compare to the love I feel from my heavenly Father. I do not always understand His motives, but there’s one thing I do understand, and it is His love for me. It’s constant even when I don’t realize it. And those times I do come to realize, I realize as well, He was there the entire time just waiting for that opportune moment when I suddenly am apt to take that next step in my journey to yield to Him just a little bit more.

CWB